Jewish World Review Dec. 8, 2008 / 11 Kislev 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Big Three automakers asked Congress for a federal bailout Friday at the exact moment O.J. Simpson begged a Nevada judge for mercy. What did you expect? O.J. Simpson was the last guy to buy a Ford Bronco and it didn't turn out well for either of them.
O.J. Simpson was sent to prison for armed robbery Friday. Thirty-two years ago, O.J. was voted Most Admired Man in America. It stood as the biggest mistake in judgment Americans ever made right up to the day George W. Bush was sworn in as president.
Judge Jackie Glass just shook her head Friday when O.J. Simpson pleaded with her to reduce his sentence. Some people have to learn the hard way. The moment you're outside the city limits of Los Angeles you're at the mercy of the law and order crowd.
O.J. Simpson was taken away in shackles after his sentencing Friday. In the next hour, the Dow soared two hundred points. It was an unexpected boost to the real estate market when everyone realized that O.J. Simpson won't be moving into their neighborhoods.
The White House warned Friday that airports face a shortage of de-icing fluids this winter. It's a moneymaking opportunity for airlines. Passengers who want to take off on time will have to buy drinks and pour them out the windows onto the wings.
Michigan's Department of Education banned schools from giving students an F in any subject Friday. It's for the good of the kids. When they are grown up and running the auto companies they'll have the experience necessary to ask for a bailout.
Barack Obama's speechwriter Jon Favreau was photographed at a party with a flat cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton. The writer was groping her breasts while a buddy gave her a beer. It just feeds into the stereotype that you can't be too rich or too thin.
The Screen Actors Guild may authorize a strike this spring to get actors more money. The cost-cutting in Hollywood has been brutal. No one wants to say networks are buying their scripts on the street corner, but in all the new pilots, the crack dealer is the romantic lead.
The Richard Nixon Library celebrated the movie release of Nixon/Frost Thursday by selling commemorative chocolates. They show his silhouette on the box. Richard Nixon's work on earth will not be done until he turns your teeth into another Vietnam.
World Trade Center owner Larry Silverstein signed up a German bank to occupy the top three floors of the new World Trade Center building. It was a great deal the Germans couldn't pass up. They got a discount on the rent for being lookouts.
House Banking Committee Chairman Barney Frank urged Barack Obama on Friday to help automakers get a financial bailout. Environmentalists may be forced to admit they were wrong about President Bush. Nature is reclaiming Detroit before our very eyes.
The U.S. Capitol Visitor Center was finished Tuesday at a cost of six hundred and twenty million dollars. There's a red line down the middle of the corridor for crowd control. That's so the people coming into the Capitol for tours don't crash into the Republicans coming out of the Capitol to spend more time with their families.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton