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Jewish World Review
Dec. 31, 2008
/ 4 Teves 5769
Bin Laden Latest Madoff Casualty
By
Andy Borowitz
Rips Bernie in New Video
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The alleged Ponzi scheme of New York investment manager Bernie Madoff has claimed yet another victim, as al-Qaeda kingpin Osama bin Laden today revealed that he lost over $1 billion in the fraud.
While the roster of Madoff victims have included many prominent names from the world of entertainment and the media, such as Steven Spielberg and Mortimer Zuckerman, Mr. bin Laden is believed to be the first acknowledged casualty from the world of terror.
Mr. bin Laden made the rueful announcement in the form of a video, broadcast on the Arabic-language al-Jazeera network and around the world.
Speaking from what appears to be a cave, he said that he had invested with Mr. Madoff because the investment wiz had promised an annual return of ten percent, adding, "Now I don't know who to trust."
The al-Qaeda leader remained vague about how he had first made contact with Mr. Madoff, saying only that they had a mutual friend at a Palm Beach country club.
He added that the losses due to the Madoff fraud would have an immediate impact on al-Qaeda's financial health, forcing the terror network to shutter several regional offices and to cut back on the production values of Mr. bin Laden's videos.
While some expressed shock that a terrorist like Mr. bin Laden could become ensnared in a financial fraud like Mr. Madoff's, "It's not surprising at all," said North Korean president Kim Jong-Il.
"I'm offered shady investment schemes every day of the week," said Mr. Kim from his office in Pyongyang. "This is why I keep all my money in Treasuries."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2008, Andy Borowitz
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