Jewish World Review Dec 26, 2007 / 17 Teves 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Roger Clemens announced Sunday he's agreed to answer steroid charges with Mike Wallace on CBS' 60 Minutes next week. It could last all hour. Mike Wallace is very interested in anything that can help a guy keep working past the usual retirement age.
Nickelodeon star Jamie Lynn Spears was praised by social conservatives Monday for deciding to have her baby. Everyone says she's the responsible sister. If the pattern holds, Jamie Lynn will be governor of Florida when Britney's elected president.
New England Patriots star Tom Brady was voted Athlete of the Year Friday. Everybody thinks he has presidential aspirations. He recently asked his coach to switch to the T-formation so that whenever he's on television there's a cross over his shoulder.
Barack Obama said as president he'd test toys made in China for lead. It causes cognitive impairment in children. For everyone who thinks that Baby Boomers turned out the way we did from the marijuana, guess again, it was the lead in the Tinker Toys.
Hillary Clinton promised to fulfill America's promise to veterans at the Iowa Veterans Home in Marshalltown. She once tried to enlist in the Marines in the early Seventies, but she was turned down. They told her we weren't that mad at the Viet Cong.
Reagan administration officials said Sunday the film Charlie Wilson's War is politically slanted and tells the story of the covert Afghan war just from the left side. That is not fair. People who partied with Charlie Wilson say he used both nostrils equally.
Russia's President Vladimir Putin was selected Time magazine's Person of the Year Thursday. He's been looking for even more ways to consolidate his power. Last night in a dream Stalin told him to shoot all the democrats and paint the Kremlin steps blue, but there is no way the Russian people would stand for him painting the Kremlin.
The House Oversight Committee counsel said Friday the committee may call Major League ballplayers to testify before Congress about steroids. The players are sure to ask for immunity. If they think it comes in a needle you can't keep them away from it.
House Democrats adjourned Congress Friday with approval ratings even lower than the president's. It's just awful. If congressmen weren't allowed to wear their pants any higher than their approval ratings, they'd all be doing Bill Clinton impressions.
Rudy Giuliani was hospitalized in St. Louis Thursday when he suddenly felt very ill. There was a delay getting him to the hospital. When Rudy Giuliani shouted at his aides to call 911 they told him polls show people are sick of hearing about it.
Barack Obama complained Thursday about his opponents bringing up his past drug use. He admits using cocaine, but he now acts wounded if anyone brings it up. Iowa voters are very upset that he used cocaine, they believe he should have used ethanol.
Hillary Clinton campaigned in New Hampshire Saturday in the lobby of a YWCA in the town of Manchester. She's always had a soft spot in her heart for New Hampshire. The state's motto is Live Free or Die, and Bill had it inserted in their marriage vows.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton