Jewish World Review Dec. 18, 2006 / 27 Kislev, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Swift & Co. was raided by federal agents Thursday, netting a thousand criminals who make fake driver's licenses. These guys will always work. Now that Baby Boomers are saying that fifty is the new thirty there's a big market for laminated verification.
The Boston Red Sox signed Japanese star pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka Thursday to a lucrative contract full of perks. The pitcher told reporters he's a huge fan of American movies. Whenever he's getting shelled he wants Clint Eastwood to direct.
The Good German was released Friday about life in post-war Berlin. The movie shows both U.S. and Russian soldiers digging frantically through the rubble every time they hear a noise. The competition for rocket scientists was just that fierce.
Vladimir Putin inspected Russia's ICBM missiles Thursday and proclaimed their ability to penetrate anti-missile systems. He really rattled the saber. Later he hosted a cooking show at KGB headquarters and demonstrated his recipe for the Last Supper.
Hillary Clinton hired evangelical organizer Burns Strider to be in charge of her outreach to Christian conservatives. The job's a piece of cake. Evangelicals love Revelations and with a Clinton in the White House there is a new one every day.
David Geffen offered two billion dollars on Wednesday to buy the Los Angeles Times. He's a movie producer and a rock music mogul and a Democratic donor. He could make the Los Angeles Times the first newspaper in the world with gummed edges.
Scotland Yard issued its final report on the death of Princess Diana Thursday, saying her limousine crash nine years ago last August was an accident and not a conspiracy. It's such a waste. She would have been ten years sober this September.
Ohio State's Troy Smith wasn't allowed by airport security to board the plane home with his Heisman Trophy Saturday. It's only common sense. Everybody knows there is a very good chance that if you have a Heisman Trophy you also have a knife.
Lindsay Lohan told People magazine she has been going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in Beverly Hills for a year. It's an improvement. Actors and actresses used to have to go to Democratic fundraisers to be seen by the top directors in town.
Ralph Nader entered his documentary An Unreasonable Man for an Academy Award Monday. He's up against Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. What is it about Al Gore that makes Ralph Nader want to follow him around and keep him from winning anything?
The Senate Ethics Committee cleared Harry Reid Monday, a week after the House Ethics Committee cleared everyone in the Mark Foley scandal. The ethics committees are like paper in the birdcage. It just absorbs everything and then it's thrown out.
The New York Post tried to embarrass Sen. Barack Obama Tuesday with an article about his flaws. It said he's a heavy smoker and his middle name is Hussein. If Barack Obama isn't elected president he could become the season-long villain on Twenty-Four.
The White House went to court Tuesday to appeal a judge's decision requiring the government to redesign currency so blind people can tell the bills apart. It's easy. If they feel one dot on the face, it's George Washington, five dots on the face, it's Abe Lincoln, and if it's one hundred dots on the face, it's Vladimir Putin.
Iran caused outrage by hosting a conference of Holocaust deniers. They said Israel uses the Holocaust to further Zionist aims. Israel didn't care what the conference said until they declared Apocalypto the feel-good movie of the year.
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton