Jewish World Review Dec. 14, 2006 / 23 Kislev, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Nicole Richie was arrested for driving on the wrong side of the Ventura Freeway Sunday while under the influence of Vicodin and marijuana. The cops were thrilled to arrest her. The Christmas party had sent them out on a scavenger hunt for pin heads.
NBA Commissioner David Stern agreed this week to return to the leather basketball. He had forced the league to switch to a synthetic ball. By the first of the year, Barry Bonds will be the only professional athlete still using synthetic balls.
The Space Shuttle Discovery took off Saturday night and docked Monday with the International Space Station. The U.S. astronauts happily dined with Russian cosmonauts aboard. As dangerous as space travel is, a little radiation poisoning isn't going to kill them.
Incoming Intelligence Committee chairman Silvestre Reyes failed a newspaper's test for him about terrorism on Friday. He said al-Qaeda are Shiites when they are Sunnis and he couldn't identify Hezbollah. He could lose his post as Intelligence chairman, but the Los Angeles School Board said he will still be allowed to graduate.
Democratic Congressman William Jefferson of New Orleans was reelected Saturday even though the FBI found ninety thousand dollars cash in his freezer. We're all in for a big adjustment. The bribes are so much lower for Democrats than they are for oil men.
The India News Agency reported Sunday on the one hundred and twentieth birthday of a woman in Calcutta. She says the secret to longevity is to drink wine and smoke pot every day. Willie Nelson's doctor just diagnosed his condition as immortal.
Al Gore worked the phones Monday to lobby Motion Picture Academy members to get his global warming movie nominated for an Academy Award. The academy feels like they owe him. They've never paid him any royalties for that statue they give away.
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton