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Jewish World Review Dec. 29, 2004 / 17 Teves, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | George Carlin checked himself into alcohol and drug rehab Tuesday. The comic says he got hooked on wine and Vicodin. He used to be a cocaine addict but the older you get, the more you choose the buzz that will get you home by seven o'clock.

The San Diego Chargers moved their training camp to La Jolla Thursday, hoping to end speculation over any move to Los Angeles. It's hard to resist. Los Angeles is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.

Osama bin Laden issued another videotaped message Monday giving orders to al-Qaeda terrorists in Iraq. You can't keep him off television lately. He could have gone on the Larry King show but he didn't want his agent to think he had died.

Former Clinton official Franklin Raines was ousted as head of Fannie Mae. He will receive a one hundred and fourteen thousand dollar per month pension for life. John Kerry heard the news and seriously considered leaving Teresa for Fannie Mae.

The White House hailed the election of Viktor Yushchenko as Ukraine president, seeing how he wants to join NATO. Defending Ukraine would be tricky because it's so close to Russia. Who's going to be afraid of a missile called the Pitching Wedge?

Fresno farmers were harassed Monday by air quality commissars for emitting dust particles. Hands off these guys. These farmers grow lettuce and celery and carrots, producing the finest blend of supermodel feed in the entire Western world.

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