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Jewish World Review Dec. 20, 2004 / 8 Teves, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The Aviator opened Thursday about Howard Hughes, who parlayed his oil fortune into a career as aviation pioneer and movie mogul and legendary womanizer. The nation thrilled to his daredevil stunts. This was back in the days before penicillin.

Washington D.C.'s City Council broke off its deal to fund a Major League stadium Tuesday. It simply wasn't possible for the city's long-established illicit sex district and the stadium to share the same land. Traction is everything in baseball.

Whitney Houston was uninjured Thursday night when her car crashed into a bus in Georgia. She's decided to live in Atlanta, not Los Angeles. This is the first sign that in addition to clean air and water, Los Angeles is running out of alcohol.

Oklahoma University made national news by outlawing beer and liquor and wine on campus. The holidays aren't the same without alcohol. Perhaps the most time-honored tradition of office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.

Hillary Clinton declared Wednesday she is opposed to illegal immigration and she ripped employers who hire illegals. She's trying to appeal to conservatives. This week she's going to introduce a new line of faith-based husband ankle monitors.

China held a beauty contest Saturday for women who have had cosmetic surgery on their faces or necks or breasts or stomachs. It was televised. They had a swim suit competition and a talent contest before the winner was crowned Miss Joan Rivers.

Lisa Marie Presley sold the marketing rights to her father's name on Thursday to a Wall Streeter for a hundred million dollars. It includes memorabilia sales and museum revenues. Chelsea Clinton just realized if she can remember to look both ways before she crosses the street, she will someday be an extremely wealthy woman.

Osama bin Laden threatened to destroy the world in a new tape Thursday. He's become quite the toastmaster. He told the audio engineer that he brought along a fifteen or a twenty-minute speech--fifteen without laughs and twenty with laughs.

Las Vegas became the likely destination for the defunct Washington Nationals major league ball team Thursday. That means outfielders will get to stand under the sun for three hours in the Mojave Desert in July. We're nicer to al-Qaeda.

Saddam Hussein was allowed to confer with his defense attorney Thursday. For four tense hours it was just the dictator and a trial lawyer in one cell. The Pentagon was forced to fly in Siegfried and Roy to keep them from eating each other.

The Bronx District Attorney said Thursday he will investigate Bernard Kerik. The ousted Homeland Security nominee used mob connections to remodel his apartment. Investigators got suspicious when they found Jimmy Hoffa in the wall aquarium.

Neverland Ranch was raided Saturday by police who searched Michael Jackson's home for evidence. The court may take away his kids. He's trying to hammer out a visitation deal that would let him dangle them from a balcony every other weekend.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton