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Jewish World Review Dec. 14, 2004 / 2 Teves, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | USC quarterback Matt Leinart won the Heisman Trophy Saturday in New York. He wandered off the script by thanking his family. In Los Angeles you are trained from grade school to first thank the Academy, then your agent, then your life partner.

Colorado University promised to curb student drinking in the wake of Oklahoma University issuing an alcohol ban. They must do something. Binge drinking is so prevalent on campus that this year's NFL draft will be available in bottles or cans.

Ocean's Twelve topped the movie box office last weekend. It's about criminal masterminds who stage a heist in Europe to pay back a casino they robbed in the first film. Picture the oil-for-food program with adult language and partial nudity.

Bernard Kerik withdrew as the nominee for Homeland Security Secretary Friday when an illegal alien maid and an adulterous affair with a staffer surfaced. His career in public service isn't over. President Bush just named him Ambassador to the Clinton Library.

John Kerry's lawyers were in Ohio Monday demanding to see ninety-two thousand ballots that show no vote for president. Their logic is solid. They think that a vote for nobody for president should go to the candidate with the least personality.

Vienna doctors confirmed Saturday that Ukraine presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko was poisoned by his Russian-backed election opponent. The photographs couldn't be any scarier. Yushchenko is pocked for life and Russia has its old face back.

Canada reported Friday that its immigration website is being swamped by hits from U.S. citizens. It's long been a favorite retreat for Democrats. Back when Ted Kennedy was a student at Harvard he once saw a sign that read Drink Canada Dry and he gave it the old college try.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton