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Jewish World Review Dec. 24, 2003 / 29 Kislev, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Michael Jackson held a party at Neverland Ranch Saturday to allow supporters to stand by him. The ranch is so remote that wolves freely roam the property and condors have been spotted in the trees. Everybody agrees it's a predator's paradise.

The Hearst Castle in San Simeon once owned by William Randolph Hearst had to be evacuated when the earthquake struck Monday. It's full of priceless works of art. The Hearst Castle is a split-level structure, but it didn't start out that way.

Joe Lieberman became a New Hampshire resident Monday by renting an apartment in Manchester. It reflects his commitment to winning the state primary. However, he had to take a smaller place after the landlord saw the polls and demanded cash up front.

Howard Dean told Judy Woodruff he changed from Episcopalian to Congregational recently. He wanted a bicycle path on church property. Leave it to a Baby Boomer to jettison four hundred years of family allegiance to feed his daily exercise buzz.

Homeland Security put anti-aircraft batteries around Washington Monday while attack dogs patrolled airports. Ports had random searches of cargo and cops halted citizens on highways. At the rate we're being made safer, by Opening Day we will be standing during the 7th inning stretch and singing the theme from Hogan's Heroes.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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