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Jewish World Review Dec. 22, 2003 / 27 Kislev, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | ABC News reported a rumor Friday that a woman with a suicide bomb strapped to her waist was loose in New York. She would go completely undetected in Los Angeles. Here on the West Coast, people avert their eyes from anyone who looks a little pudgy.

Saddam Hussein denied to U.S. interrogators Thursday that he committed war crimes. He also denied ever having any weapons of mass destruction. If Saddam Hussein were any more innocent, Michael Jackson would invite him to Neverland for milk and cookies.

Saddam Hussein was questioned by U.S. interrogators Friday, who tried to appeal to his vanity by getting him to expand upon his brutal career. It's the same story with every war criminal. It all started out the day he announced his candidacy.

Libya gave up its weapons of mass destruction Friday, according to Moammar Khadhafi in Tripoli. He's always good for a laugh. The decision was made by Libya's three-man ruling council, which consists of Moammar and his two brothers Larry-mar and Curly-mar.

Moammar Khadhafi volunteered Friday to give up Libya's missiles and chemical weapons. It was no surprise. One look at Saddam's last apartment and dictators everywhere are deciding to leave the annihilation of America to the next generation.

Wesley Clark accused President Bush Thursday of failure to prevent the September 11th attacks. He's got to find something to run on. Democrats haven't been seen groping and grasping like this since Hillary had the security cameras ripped out of the Oval Office wall.

The Congressional Budget Office issued an alarming report Friday on the growing costs of Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. It's insane. The programs are growing so fast that nothing could stop them unless Wal-Mart starts selling federal benefits.

The Gold Club building in Atlanta was taken over by an evangelical church Friday. The infamous strip bar was shut down by the feds. The first thing old customers who wander in by habit will have to learn is that Amazing Grace is a hymn and not a her.

Bob Hope was honored posthumously Wednesday when Burbank Airport in Los Angeles was renamed Bob Hope Airport. It's quite an honor. This makes Bob Hope only the third comedian to have an airport named for him, after Will Rogers and Saddam Hussein.

Saddam Hussein said Wednesday he is still president of Iraq and he dared the U.S. to hold elections because he would win. He wouldn't be the first presidential candidate to crawl out of a hole. We are still not sure where Howard Dean came from.

Michael Jackson was charged with nine counts of child molestation a day after he joined the Nation of Islam and the Muslim faith. His legal strategy is taking shape. He thinks he can sway a Santa Barbara jury by blaming everything on the Jews.

Steve Martin's new movie, Cheaper by the Dozen, opened on Friday. He's come a long way since his white suit days. If he went onstage looking like that today it would remind three out of four Democratic candidates it is time to take their medications.

Wesley Clark accused President Bush Thursday of failing to prevent the September 11th attacks. He believed he had the problem covered. When President Bush appointed Condoleezza Rice to be his National Security Advisor he thought she was Miss Cleo.

John Kerry mortgaged his house Friday to loan his own campaign five million dollars. It produced immediate results. He just got a call from Bill Bennett and Pete Rose offering to take him to a meeting if he ever feels like he has hit bottom.

Arnold Schwarzenegger declared an emergency in California Friday and imposed budget cuts without the legislature's permission. He's courageous. A lot of politicians have pandered to Hispanic voters over the years, but no one's ever declared a junta.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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