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Jewish World Review Dec. 5, 2003 / 10 Kislev, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | New York Giant Lawrence Taylor appeared on 60 Minutes Sunday. He indulged in alcohol, cocaine and hookers during his Hall of Fame career. Hollywood can only guess the kind of player he might have been if he hadn't been distracted by football.

Tiger Woods expressed his fury Tuesday at the resort manager in South Africa who leaked news of his engagement to the press. You have to feel for Tiger. The most talented golfer in history is marrying a beautiful blonde from Sweden, and now this.

Billy Bob Thornton stars in the runaway hit movie Bad Santa. He plays a guy who takes Santa Claus gigs so he can rob the department stores that hire him. Former Enron executives can write off the price of admission as career re-training.

Hillary Clinton was honored by the environmental group Oceana Wednesday for her commitment to preserving sea life. It goes without saying. You can't raise the money a politician needs to raise without a profound appreciation for big fish.

Democrats in Beverly Hills Tuesday vowed to raise $80 million to help defeat President Bush. He doesn't leave them much room. To get to the left of President Bush's prescription drug plan Democrats would have to nationalize the steel industry.

John Kerry vowed Wednesday to name Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton or James Baker as Mideast envoy. Why not all three? Distract the Mideast with high inflation, sex scandals and disputed election results and they will forget all about terrorism.

The Washington Post reports Thursday the Pentagon Defense Language Institute discharged eight Americans who had learned Arabic to help monitor terrorists. They were fired for being gay. It took their supervisor two years to figure out that Will and Grace was not a theological debate at the water cooler every Friday morning.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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