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Jewish World Review Nov. 20, 2013 / 17 Kislev, 5774 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Monty Python's six surviving members announced they'll stage a reunion show next year. They were geniuses at haphazard comedy. Originally they were Monty Python and the Flying Circus but the Flying Circus left four years ago to form the Obama Adminstration.
• California's Lt. Governor Gavin Newsome wrote a ballot measure to legalize pot next year. It's an old hippie dream. They believe that if everybody in the world smoked a joint at the same time we'd have world peace for ten minutes followed by a global food shortage.
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President Obama is accused faking the jobless numbers before his re-election. This on top of Benghzai, the IRS scandal and Obamacare. It takes a great leader to hold America's attention when none of your scandals involve binge drinking or crack smoking.
• Toronto Mayor Rob Ford went on NBC and accused his city council of sex misconduct plus engaging in the same drug use and drinking binges he admitted. They want him to quit? If Rob Ford lived in Los Angeles, we'd be renewing him for another thirteen episodes.
• Toronto mayor Tom Ford was interviewed on NBC's Today Show Tuesday. He swore he doesn't have a drug or alcohol problem. It's almost like Charlie Sheen, except Charlie Sheen was on Two and a Half Men, while Tom Ford weighs as much as Two and a Half Men
• PBS filmmaker Ken Burns enlisted all the living U.S. presidents to recite the Gettysburg Address on its hundred fiftieth anniversary. Lincoln forecast freedom and equality for everyone in this speech. Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has been invited to deliver the rebuttal.
• Abe Lincoln's Gettysburg Address was recited at the Gettysburg battlefield Tuesday in which he laid out his vision for the Union. The nation's come a long way. One hundred and fifty years later, regardless of race, creed or color, every American is spied on equally.
• The Academy Award season begins with movie releases on Thanksgiving. It's a long campaign. Before the envelopes are opened on Oscar night, there are only three people who know the name of the winners--Price, Waterhouse and the night watchman at the NSA
• NSA Director Keith Alexander gave assurance to the American people about the NSA data collection program Friday. He said the NSA doesn't use this information against President Obama's political opponents. That's the IRS's job and they're in a different union
• The FDA will ban trans-fats used in pastries, doughnuts, pizza and popcorn to make Americans healthier. Lucky it's not legislation. Taxpayers are so angry about the cost of subsidized health care that House members could be voted out of office for extending lives.
• WalMart decided to open earlier on Thanksgiving Day to start Black Friday. Men are sure to be dragged along. So guys, if you want to have fun at Wal-Mart on Black Friday, handle the rifles for a few moments and then ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are
• George Zimmerman was arrested for pointing a shotgun at his girlfriend inside her home in South Florida Monday. He's been cleared of murder, not charged with spousal battery, and gotten off with warnings on three speeding tickets. To be completely fair to George Zimmerman the justice system did give him the impression that he's above the law.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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