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Jewish World Review Nov. 28, 2008 / 1 Kislev 5769 And now for the important news .... By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Goldman Sachs mastermind Robert Rubin was reportedly paid one hundred and five million dollars by Citigroup Monday for his advice this past year. He steered the company onto the rocks. Somali pirates wear his image on a medal around their necks.
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson announced yet another bailout plan Tuesday. It will allow people to make expensive purchases during the holiday season, which could save us all. Think of how the murder rate would go up if not for jewelry sales at Christmas.
The Treasury Department rescued Citibank Sunday with an innovative plan. They shifted the bank's trillion dollars in toxic assets into a bad bank. The idea is to set it loose like a garbage ship until someone claims it, hopefully Somali pirates.
The Treasury Department rescued Citibank Sunday with an innovative plan. They shifted the bank's trillion dollars in toxic assets into a bad bank. The idea is to set it loose like a garbage ship until someone claims it, hopefully Somali pirates.
Wall Street regulator Tim Geithner was named Treasury Secretary Monday. In the last few years he was in charge of monitoring Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns and Citigroup and Wachovia. Only Hillary Clinton has more experience looking the other way.
Hillary Clinton accepted the Secretary of State job Friday after being assured she will be in control. The current president will somehow have to control the antics of a former president who's married to his Secretary of State, with world peace in the balance. The first sign of a Great Depression is the return of screwball comedies.
Nielsen Research says Americans spent a record one hundred forty-two hours a month during the third quarter watching TV. It was filled with partisan attacks, stock market crashes and credit freezes. In any neighborhood you can hear the screams as people are being abused by their televisions, and yet they refuse to leave and go to a shelter.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell expressed worry Monday over reduced revenue from sponsors due to the financial crisis. It's not all bad. This week a new chain of convenience stores opened in Detroit honoring the Detroit Lions called 0h and Elevens.
Barack Obama named Eric Holder as Attorney General Friday with Hillary Clinton at State and Bill Richardson at Commerce. It's amazing. The Democrats spent two years and a billion dollars fighting over who'll head the third Clinton administration.
Michael Vick appeared in a Virginia court Tuesday to face state charges of dogfighting. Prosecutors said he put house pets inside the pit bull cage for his own amusement. When will all these pretenders ever learn that there's only one O.J. Simpson.
Tiger Woods lost his General Motors endorsement contract Monday due to corporate cuts. He was the wrong golfer for these times. General Motors decided to hire John Daly because he best represents their new slogan, This Time It's Going to Be Different.
The Automobile Club reported Monday that gas prices fell below two dollars per gallon. It provides much needed relief. After a long day of standing in line at the bank to take all your money out, you don't want to have to walk home carrying it.
Twilight sold out at movie theaters nationwide this week as girls went wild over a teenage vampire. There's something romantically appealing about a bloodsucker that never dies. At least that's what the chairman of Chrysler told the Senate.
Barack Obama decided to skip church on Sunday to shoot some hoops at a Chicago gym. He has good reason for staying fit. People are already putting up statues of him and he does not want to see a beer gut hanging over his belt for the next fifty years.
Topps Baseball Cards released cards of George Washington, Abe Lincoln and Ronald Reagan, promising that strands of their hair will be inserted into random packages. Think of the possibilities. With advances in DNA technology, one day science will be able to clone a president who owns slaves, frees slaves and brings back the studio system. The Los Angeles Auto Show opened Saturday to huge crowds. GM's market research shows people don't want to buy high-mileage, low-emission vehicles. They want to buy that car that killed three stuntmen during the filming of the last James Bond movie. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton |
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