Jewish World Review Nov. 25, 2008 / 27 Mar-Cheshvan 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Somali pirates began negotiating a ransom deal with Saudi Arabia Tuesday after they seized the supertanker Sirius Star, holding two million gallons of oil. They are stealing from the Saudis. It's the ethical equivalent to cheating on John Edwards.
Al-Qaeda commander Ayman al-Zawahri said Tuesday America elected Barack Obama because he's a House Negro. That's so ridiculous. When Barack Obama heard what he said, he laughed so hard he nearly dropped the entire tray of drinks on Oprah's carpet.
Iraq's cabinet voted on Tuesday to keep U.S. troops there for three more years. The Iraqis believe they finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Of course they only have two hours of electricity a night so they're never quite sure what they're seeing.
Bill Clinton submitted to a financial exam to help Hillary become Secretary of State. It'll cost him nothing. He agreed to relinquish day-to-day control of his foundation operations, and put everything in a trust to be operated by Somali pirates.
MGM Mirage chairman Terry Lanni resigned in Las Vegas Tuesday after his resume was exposed as fraudulent. He told them during his job interview he had an MBA, but he lied and was able to bluff them out of a CEO salary and profit bonuses for nine years. This is the last time MGM hires anyone wearing a World Series of Poker bracelet.
Big Three automakers got a cold shoulder from Congress Wednesday when the CEOs made their pitch. They arrived in town to beg for money in separate private jets. It was a mistake to hire the Marie Antoinette Agency to handle their public relations, and now heads are going to roll.
Hollywood's Creative Coalition announced its Inaugural Ball plans Monday. They will charge Washington lobbyists a fortune to rub elbows with the stars. You can't imagine how much a guy with an elbow fetish will pay to stand next to Scarlett Johannson.
The Los Angeles Auto Show got underway Tuesday featuring the new super-charged Mustang. The Mustang has always inspired passion. The car's fold-down front seats used to be ideal for couples parking at the lake and now they make ideal studio apartments.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton