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Jewish World Review Nov. 3, 2004 / 19 Mar-Cheshvan, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Osama bin Laden released a video Saturday in an attempt to sway the American election. It didn't affect a thing. He looked so tanned and relaxed that most people who saw it wondered why George Hamilton wants America out of the Middle East.

Tom Brokaw interviewed John Kerry and President Bush and got both to pledge to govern from the middle and bring America back together. Tell that to both coasts. The election map looks like Firestone explaining tread separation to a jury.

John Kerry and George Bush told Tom Brokaw Monday they will repair relations with U.S. allies. There's a reason we've had no state dinners. The White House staff hasn't finished gluing the china back together from the Clinton administration.

Bill Clinton gave speeches for John Kerry in Nevada and Arkansas in the days before the election. It prompted a wave of nostalgia. Bill Clinton may have been an adulterer and a bank robber, but by golly, election night was over by seven o'clock.

Republicans kept control of the House of Representatives in Tuesday's election. There was no danger of losing the House due to all the safe seats. Losing the house is not that uncommon in Los Angeles, it's generally accepted as the price of getting a younger wife.

Pierce Brosnan said Monday he won't play James Bond any more because he claims he's too old for the part. That's how expensive health care is. People used to lie about their age to seem younger, and now they lie about their age to get Medicare.

Yasser Arafat was reported on Monday to be recovering miraculously in a Paris hospital from the grave condition in which he arrived. He's so competitive. His goal is to tie Israel's all- time record for most number of resurrections in one country.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton