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Jewish World Review Nov. 24, 2003 /29 Mar-Cheshvan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Michael Jackson fled to Las Vegas Thursday after being booked for lewd conduct with a minor. Everyone thinks he's a flight risk. In Santa Barbara he had to surrender his passport, and in Las Vegas he has to pay cash in advance for his dry cleaning.

The Michael Jackson Special slated to air this week on CBS was canceled by the network. It included a video biography of the singer. It covers his entire life, from his early years in grade school to his most recent years in grade school.

Michael Jackson was booked in Santa Barbara on a charge of lewd conduct with a minor Thursday. It was inevitable. This is what happens when therapists in Los Angeles tell the wrong person that they need to get in touch with their inner child.

President Bush insisted Friday that Congress pass prescription drug coverage and the Energy Bill. They must be kept separate. We could have energy and drugs in one package, but it's way too risky to ask the Baby Boomers to survive the Disco Era twice.

John Kerry laid out his plan for his first 100 days as president Thursday. How low is he polling? His donors are starting to wonder out loud how much money they would have today if they had put the $2,000 in Microsoft stock instead.

Baghdad was rocked by more attacks on Friday, but they didn't kill anybody. On this day, terrorists used explosives planted in roadkill and fired rockets from carts pulled by donkeys. A good half of the Democratic presidential field are suspects right now.

The White House will launch a new Arab-language television network in Baghdad next month. The Pentagon said it's trying to develop quality shows that will appeal to the Iraqis. Pre- production was moving right along until the country's two most eligible bachelors were turned in for the $25 million reward and killed by U.S. troops.

Buckingham Palace got a gag order Friday against the reporter who penetrated palace security. He got himself hired as a servant. He was able to get so close to the royal family that Princess Anne is hurt that he hasn't called or sent flowers.

The Energy Bill debated in Congress Tuesday includes a government-subsidized Hooters in Louisiana. It's about time. New Orleans should have at least one restaurant where the waitresses are covered up enough where you can bring your kids.

Terry Bradshaw ended a two-month and seven-city tour Monday as the spokesman for a drug company. When he was a little boy, his mother told him he was as smart as any kid in the country. Of course, she didn't say which country.

Barnes and Noble and Borders bookstores Thursday reported excellent profits and credited increased sales to a boost from Harry Potter and Hillary Clinton. There's a common thread here. Hillary Clinton was just declared a religion in Haiti.

Monica Lewinsky posed for Gentleman's Quarterly this month lying in a bathtub and covered with roses. She says her love life is awful but she still has sweet memories of her old boss. You know how it is, you never forget your first president.

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