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May 23rd, 2022

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Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published Oct. 18, 2021

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
Bill Clinton was hospitalized at the University of California Irvine Medical Center Thursday for what doctors said is a non-Covid-related blood infection. It's too easy to say Bill's condition is touch and go. Bill Clinton was in the hospital for only ten minutes before he took a turn for the nurse.

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons were confronted with a urological report published Friday saying that Botox injections can cause incontinence. You can imagine the panic in Beverly Hills over the report. The good part is you can't tell by the look on her face that she just wet her pants.

The Rolling Stones said they'll not play Brown Sugar at this year's shows. The song was a hit fifty years ago about slave ships, cotton fields and cold English blood turning hot while whipping and having sex with black women. Democrats are demanding this song replace the National Anthem.

Las Vegas Raider Derek Carr suggested the NFL reveal all email between owners after private emails cost Jon Gruden his job. It reminds me why we must get those ship containers unloaded at Long Beach. The last thing that NFL owners want to see is empty shelves at Asian massage parlors.

The Washington Post reports that rock superstar and reality show legend Ozzy Osbourne will be coming to the White House to meet with President Biden. It just shows if you take controlled drugs and talk like a 3-year-old, you can go far in America. And Ozzy Osbourne has also done okay.

Prince William criticized the race to colonize space by billionaires Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Sir Richard Branson Friday. William insisted that repairing the Planet Earth should come first. For their part, Harry and Meghan gave their one millionth interview to say how they just want their privacy.

The White House faced angry objections to IRS expansion in Biden's spending bill Friday. In it, the IRS would monitor every transaction over six hundred dollars. However purchasing terribly created art for over a hundred thousand dollars per painting will be considered a charitable deduction.

President Biden told Congress to pass Build Back Better in order to keep America competitive in the world economy. Last week economists confirmed that the actual cost of President Biden's $3.5 trillion spending plan is, as Biden claims, zero. The $3.5 trillion is for shipping and handling.

Amazon Delivery Service drivers say they are at war with Amazon as they struggle to meet the company's package delivery quotas. A lot of orders are getting mixed up. Just yesterday, Amazon brought me a Hawaiian birth certificate so I can only guess that Obama got my fake vaccination card.

FBI statistics Friday show robberies are down across the U.S. with some colorful exceptions as in Oklahoma last week. Two men dressed as Batman and Captain America tried to rob someone at a convenience store. They are charged with attempted robbery and mixing Marvel Comics with DC.

New Zealand's University of Otago researchers found that castrating male sheep greatly slows the appearance of aging, but so far no human volunteers. To date Millennials, I dress rich but the Check Engine light gives me away. I've reached the age where most of my dates have to be blown up.

Psychology Today says Millennials are now suffering from self-loathing due to an inability to perform basic life tasks and thus learn basic life lessons. If I were the parent of a Millennial, I would give them this advice. Don't waste your time trying to make everybody happy, you are not beer.

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Purdue University researchers announced they've created a paint in a lab so bright and cool it could replace air conditioning, reduce carbon dioxide and save glaciers. The scientists said they've just created the world's whitest paint. It comes in three shades—Trump, Extra Trump and Ultra Trump.

Jon Gruden resigned as head coach of the Las Vegas Raiders on Monday after somebody dug up old private e-mails to a friend in the Redskins office. The emails revealed Gruden making racist and sexist and homophobic remarks. Netflix just offered Jon Gruden three stand-up comedy specials.

William Shatner became the oldest man to fly into space Wednesday aboard Jeff Bezos' Blue Origin rocket at age ninety. What a birthday present. When he emerged from the capsule, dozens of people were waiting to wish Shatner a happy ninetieth birthday, and his hair a happy thirty-seventh.

Tesla started selling the fully self-driving Beta Monday. It requires the owner to log in a PIN number to start the car, has security cameras, and a GPS that will direct you to anywhere you want to go on command. Sometimes I wonder what actually happened to all the people I gave directions to.

The White House was reprimanded by Barack Obama who weighed in on illegal immigration and said the border chaos can't continue. It reminded me that my recent online order got mixed up with somebody else's. I ordered a fake vaccination card and they sent me a Hawaiian birth certificate.

President Biden on Wednesday ordered U.S. ports to stay open late to try to unclog the shipping backlog. The administration finds itself cornered. They're wondering if the children will buy the story that there's nothing under the tree this Christmas because the reindeer refused to get vaccinated.

The National Retail Federation said the supply chain is so backed up it may be hard for people this fall. CBS News said truckers at Long Beach Port are forced to wait in line for hours just to pick up one container full of basic human needs. And it's tough for all those girls to breathe in there.

The PGA reported sixty PGA Tour winners along with eight European championship winners will tee off in today's CJ Summit in Las Vegas. The game is rich in sporting tradition. Golf was invented so that Superman and Jimmy Olsen could go for a walk in the woods without people talking.

DC Comics announced that in the November issue of Superman, the Man of Steel comes out as a bi-sexual. His new motto is Truth, Justice, and Both Ways. In his latest e-mail, Jon Gruden said Superman should be a baseball relief pitcher, because nobody has a better move with a man on.

Fox News anchor Brett Baier published a biography of General Ulysses S. Grant. It tells how he prevented a second civil war during his presidency in the 1870s. Many Americans worry that today's political divide is so bitter we could once again come to blows, and not the kind I used to enjoy.

The Drug Enforcement Agency reports that the influx of drugs at the U.S. southern border has resulted in easier smuggling at other ports of entry. Interpol estimated last week that fifty percent of all shipments of pineapples now contain cocaine. L.A. finally agrees that pineapple belongs on pizza.

Dr. Fauci denied any political ambitions in a recent interview while nagging every American to get vaccinated and get booster shots. The doctor's fans are urging him to run for president, distributing bumper stickers that read Run, Fauci Run! Republicans put them on their front fenders.

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