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May 23rd, 2022

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Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published Oct. 7, 2021

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
No Time to Die starring Daniel Craig as James Bond opens in movie theaters this Friday. The London Sun tabulated that in all the Bond movies, 007 has killed three hundred-fifty bad guys and made love to seventy women. This proves that some guns take five times longer to re-load than others.

The Powerball Lottery drawing was held Saturday night to determine the jackpot prize winner of the fifth largest lottery award in history. The winning ticket for the seven hundred million dollar jackpot was sold in the state of California. Legislation is being written up to grab as much as possible.

The Washington Football Team made the news again when the DEA raided the team's locker room with their team trainer the object of the probe. This organization is just synonymous with scandal. If the team's new kicker Chris Blewitt married Monica Lewinsky, she'd be Monica Lewinsky Blewitt.

The Justice Department threatened to go after parents protesting the teaching of Critical Race Theory at school board meetings as terrorists. For eight glorious hours on Monday, Americans enjoyed freedom of speech as guaranteed by the Constitution. And then Facebook came back online.

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The U.S. Congress heard testimony Monday from a whistleblower who works at Facebook who charged that Facebook doesn't monitor harmful content but rather profits from it. Facebook was down eight hours Monday. I'll bet it's the last time Facebook takes down one of Chuck Norris's posts.

Los Angeles restaurant owners called for an end to rules requiring distance between tables in L.A. restaurants. We face new problems now. Last night, I dined at Dan Tana's in West Hollywood and ordered the fresh California Sea Bass, and the waiter asked me if I wanted it regular or unleaded.

Southern California beaches were empty after a Beta Offshore pipeline rupture in Huntington Beach spewed tens of thousands of gallons of oil into the ocean off Orange County. The tar balls don't exactly lure tourists. The oil spill is the ugliest thing to happen to California beaches since the Speedo.

The Environmental Protection Agency dispatched inspectors to Orange County and San Diego County beaches Tuesday to examine the oil spill's harm to sea life and to water fowl. The pipeline break set a dubious record. Huntington Beach now has more oil-covered birds than Colonel Sanders.

KFC announced plans to hire twenty thousand new employees Friday. The KFC in Hollywood just removed from its lobby a six-foot mannequin of a white-suited Colonel Sanders. How many Confederate statues have to come down until someone points out that the South seceded over a tariff.

Afghanistan's new Defense Minister clamped down hard on his own troops Monday and ordered the Taliban fighters to stop having so much fun and stop taking selfies. I like the video one of them posted during a regimental singalong. They are singing, Tonight, We're Going to Party Like It's 1399.

Joe Rogan on his podcast last week predicted that Donald Trump will run for re-election and if it's against either Biden or Kamala, that Trump will win. That Ivermectin Joe takes makes you so certain and confident. As for the next big race, odds makers have Joe Rogan favored to win the Derby.

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