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May 28th, 2022

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Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published Oct. 6, 2021

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
Facebook and Instagram went down for eight hours around the world Monday. In other news, worker productivity reached a fifteen-year high. During the eight hours Facebook was down, I had to go outside and tell complete strangers that I'm depressed and cooking fish fingers for dinner.

The Betty Ford Center will be holding its thirty-eighth anniversary dinner the first weekend in November in Rancho Mirage. The wisdom you receive as you get older in sobriety is a mixed bag. My purpose in life today is to learn from the mistakes other people have made by following my advice.

North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un went on TV Monday and angrily rebuked the UN Security Council for demanding North Korea cease its recently revived missile tests. He looked angry and disgusted. Kim looked like he'd just bitten into a Kit Kat bar and it tasted like chocolate instead of cat.

The White House will deploy the Justice Department to prosecute parents who disrupt school board meetings to protest against any vaccine requirement for students. The government mandates are unwittingly teaching kids their constitutional rights. It's undoing years of public school education.

Dr. Fauci stated it's too soon to tell if families can get together for the holidays. The obscene football stadium chants sweeping the country may foretell some noisy Thanksgiving dinner tables next month. Half of the family will be chanting F-Biden and the other half will be chanting F-Fauci.

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Democratic Senator Kyrsten Sinema was followed to the women's room by a Bernie organizer who screamed at her from outside the bathroom stall for not supporting the reconciliation bill. There's little a female senator can do to retaliate in a bathroom. Where's R. Kelly when you need him?

President Biden was asked about the protestor's harassment of Sinema caught on video in the women's restroom. Mr. Biden said he doesn't support the tactic, but said it's part of the process. The way Democrats are self-segregating lately, I was looking to see if the bathroom door read Whites Only.

UCLA Professor Geoffrey Klein sued UCLA for suspending him for his refusal to grade black students leniently. To enter UCLA, the SAT test has been replaced by an essay question. Let's guess—if you have fifty genders and divide them by white privilege, how much climate change do you have?

The Los Angeles Times detailed how the Delta variant upset the tourism business projections and slowed international visits to a crawl. However, if you're coming into Los Angeles, don't miss the new light opera that's opening Saturday night in Huntington Beach. It's called the Pirates of Pennzoil.

Southern California beaches were closed down Sunday by a massive oil pipeline rupture in the ocean just off Long Beach. The rupture has spilled one hundred thousand gallons of oil into the ocean. The best restaurants in Beverly Hills now offer you two choices of shrimp, diesel and unleaded.

The London Independent reported Friday that farmers in Europe are using genetics to create pig and cow hybrids with twice the amount of muscle. It's to try to meet the demand for more beef and pork in their grocery stores. No one's sure how they taste because no one has been able to catch them.

William Shatner will fly to space this week aboard Jeff Bezos's Blue Origin Rocket, fifty years after he took TV audiences to space in Star Trek. Ever the rascal, William will be soon endorsing a new line of women's jeans designed to hide adult diapers underneath. They're called Shatner Pants.

Venice Beach just re-opened its handball courts and body building gym after homeless camps were cleared away. While there Sunday, I saw men strutting on the beach wearing tight little silk Speedo bathing suits. They looked like they were trying to smuggle a bunch of grapes into the country.

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