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Jewish World Review Nov. 1, 2012 / 15 Tishrei, 5773 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Jimmy Kimmel was startled Sunday when he asked the Emmy audience sarcastically who was voting for Romney and the auditorium erupted in applause. There was good reason. Every person who clapped thought they'd be the only one and they'd get a close-up.
Madonna told concert goers in D.C. Monday how great it is to have a Black Muslim as president. The Obama campaign said nothing. This close to the election it's the standard White House policy to ignore anything that a half-dressed woman says about the president.
The NFL reached a labor deal with the NFL referees' union Wednesday. The hapless replacement refs were getting everything wrong and affecting the outcomes. The NFL caved in Monday when the replacement refs ruled that Obama is ten points ahead in Ohio.
Las Vegas casino owner Derek Stevens offered a refund to gamblers who lost money on a blown call by a replacement ref Monday. That's in the past. Now that the NFL refs are back to work, Americans can know that their life savings are good hands every Sunday.
Magician David Blaine announced his next death-defying stunt called Electrified this week. He'll try to withstand a one-million-volt charge surge to his body for seventy-two hours. He's being paid by the White House to make people less afraid to drive electric cars.
The Arkansas Supreme Court agreed Friday to allow medical marijuana on the state ballot. It makes sense. With all the states opting out of ObamaCare and high prescription drug costs, running your own drug cartel is an economic necessity more than it is a crime.
New York City schools began giving birth control pills and morning-after pills to high school girls free of charge. Parents are at their wits' end. The only way that New York can ban free birth control in public schools is to dissolve the pills in a sixteen-ounce soft drink.
McDonald's unveiled M Television for booth viewing in seven hundred McDonald's restaurants. It will feature news, sports and entertainment stories. It'll be so nice to have someplace to go where you can watch TV without hearing about the obesity epidemic.
Detroit FBI agents acted on a tip that Jimmy Hoffa was buried under a driveway in a local suburb. The FBI said credible info was given to them by a man on his deathbed. He felt that the greatest gift he could give his children is to have the state pay for a new driveway.
Mitt Romney was endorsed onstage in Ohio Thursday by Mike Rowe, who hosts Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel. Neither candidate has ever worked a dirty job. Their hands are so soft that anything smaller than a fifty-dollar bill gives them a callous.
President Obama took three days off from the campaign Friday to prepare for the debate Wednesday. He has a team of fifteen people who'll prep him for the debates. Ten of them are assigned to stand in front of the TV set and block the president's view of the Ryder Cup.
Hillary Clinton admitted Wednesday the attack on the U.S. embassy in Libya was done by al-Qaeda and not by mobs angry over an anti-Muslim video who happened to be heavily armed. It was preposterous that she'd have ever believed it. Hillary never acknowledges that a president has lied to her until the DNA tests come back and there's no way to deny it.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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