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Jewish World Review A picture is worth $1,000 for retouching By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | While I admit to liking "the Facebook" just fine, there's one thing I'm not crazy about. Friends can "tag" pictures of you, pretty much putting them out there for the world to see. Is it hopelessly vain to be distressed to see a photo of me on Facebook taken at my recent class reunion in which I have half-open eyes, lady-wrestler arms and, apparently, the beginnings of a fairly significant goiter? I thought not. Now I know how poor Britney feels when those snots at "In Touch" magazine giggle over her deodorant-streaked armpits just so they can write a cheesy caption like "Ban-ned in Boston!" There is a way, I think, to delete photos you don't like but the Princess refuses to explain the process to me ever since I joined the Facebook group: "Dear Lord, if we give you Justin Beiber, will you let us have Johnny Cash back"? Well. I thought it was funny. I have to admit when I saw that ghastly picture on Facebook, I realized I must've done something horrible to the classmate who took the picture. Had she waited (cough, cough) years for revenge? The photo was so hideous, it was honestly "Carrie" levels of high school get-even is all I'm saying. In fact, a bucket of bloody pig entrails dumped on my head would've looked better AND had the advantage of masking the faux goiter. It's possible that the princess may have inherited my vain streak because just today she announced that she wanted me to "be sure and buy" the "Premium Retouched" school pictures which, for an additional $15, promise to remove blemishes, scars, fly-away hair, whiten dull teeth and even out skin tone. "But you don't have fly-away hair," I said, which seemed to make her mad. Sometimes teenagers have no sense of humor. The school picture biz is a lot more complicated than it was when I was in high school. Back in the day, you were shoved onto a stool while a middle-aged guy, talking while a cigarette bounced around on his lower lip, told you in a flat voice to "smile." The whole process took about three and a half seconds. Now, we must decide if we want the retouching, if we want her name in gold on the front of the photo (silly), the color of the background (prison gray is no extra charge), choice of poses and whether we'd also like to order the photo on a coffee mug, mouse pad or paperweight. Church directory pictures aren't quite as bad because you see them right away and I find it helpful to spend at least an hour discussing poses and retouching options with the photographer. This is vexing to the families in line behind us but, really, does anyone want to see a bad church directory picture of me? What? You don't care? Man, you're selfish. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here. Not cancer, still a big fat pain A text is worth 1,000 words Ready for some laughs again Now men don't have to work out either Hormones rule home of Princess and mom Add some oohing, cooing to your kitchen Tweeting puppy a perfect pet … for twerps Science fair spurs on hyper parents Cat naps aren't all that popular among felines Nightmare in the mall's dead zone America: Cut out the need to be cute Taking a page from a ‘Mad’ mother She's adding truth serum to her Cap'n Crunch Snuggie ensnares another victim, er, admirer Florida can keep its snakes She's homeless . . . but for $95 she can go home with your princess Southern fish experiencing identity crises Monkey baby big business for the small-minded All mommixed up? Try keeping toes in a breath-mint tin Thunder thighs finally get revenge Where would I be without the digested read? Butter buds: Julia and Celia Facebook is for ‘old’ people, too, missy Ch-ch-ch-changes Getting refreshment not berry smooth in age of mass marketing Reality show lowers her IQ to sub-dirt levels Cuddle parties are the latest weird trend Middle school is a whole new game and these players are vicious If the first lady can dig in the dirt, why can't I? Somehow, we've all lost our internal censors Not to rub it in, Barbie, but you're old Some things you probably don't need to know about your friends Big family, big ratings, big mess Fred Mertz for vice president Women and tools are like grease, water Runners are a different breed of folk altogether Don't get all bento out of shape For you, Princess? I'll buy junk Gwyneth P. needs big ol' reality check Reality show amuses yet repels viewer Spying on kid at summer camp awfully fulfilling Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so Honesty in the name of fashion Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers Trendy new ailment not for everybody What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook? Shagadelic on the dance floor Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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