Jewish World Review Oct. 23, 2008 / 24 Tishrei 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Wall Street enjoyed a normal trading pattern in the stock market for the first time in a month Monday. There was a national sigh of relief. Americans were never happier to turn on cable news and see kidnapped children as the hour's top story.
Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama Sunday, then denied it was based on race. He favored sending U.S. troops into Iraq and now he backs the candidate who wants to yank them out. Nobody in Washington ever admits they were wrong, you have to decode it.
Ricky's Costume Shop in New York said Monday its top-selling Halloween costume is a Sarah Palin beauty pageant sash reading Miss Alaska on one side and Miss Vice President on the other. It comes with glasses. Wig and drilling rights sold separately.
NBC's Chairman Jeff Zucker ordered five hundred million dollars in cuts in next year's network budget. Enough already. Wages are dropping so fast in America that last week fifty people were forced out of their jobs by the Emancipation Proclamation.
Jerry Jones showed off his new Dallas Cowboys stadium to reporters Friday. It reacts automatically to sun and rain. The retractable roof opens whenever oil is above ninety dollars a barrel and closes shut when Saudi Arabia increases production.
Congressman Tim Mahoney was targeted Monday by the House Ethics Committee over a sex scandal. He got caught cheating on the mistress with whom he was cheating on his wife. The saddest part is he missed getting the Medal of Freedom by one president.
Sarah Palin drew record ratings for Saturday Night Live in which she danced to a rap song mocking Alaskan hillbillies. There were equal-time concerns. NBC lawyers told them they could only make fun of hillbillies if they also make fun of rap stars.
Joe Biden said Sunday the U.S. will face an international crisis if Barack Obama gets elected, and he warned Americans to gird their loins. That confused Democrats. It's an old expression meaning get ready for battle, not the subtitle of the Starr Report.
Brett Favre was accused Sunday of revealing Green Bay Packers secrets to their opponents, the Detroit Lions. He's such a drama queen. If this doesn't get him enough publicity, he is going to challenge Alex Rodriguez to a duel for Madonna's hand.
Chesapeake Energy chairman Aubrey McClendon lost a billion and a half dollars in company stock on a margin call. He will be okay. In a moment of self-doubt the oilman jumped off the highest point in Oklahoma City but the sand trap broke his fall.
Barack Obama was greeted by one hundred thousand fans in St. Louis Saturday. He has done a terrific job of shedding his elitist label. Early in the campaign when a tornado siren sounded in Dubuque, he asked for directions to the nearest wine cellar.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton