Jewish World Review Oct. 22, 2007 / 10 Mar-Cheshvan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
David Copperfield's warehouse in Las Vegas was raided Friday by federal agents who seized his computer hard drive, digital camera chip and two million dollars in cash. It's a shame. You miss one mortgage payment nowadays and you lose everything.
The White House announced Friday that French President Nicolas Sarkozy will be President Bush's guest next month. This is ominous news for Iran. There's enough testosterone in Washington D.C. as it is without adding a divorced Frenchman to the mix.
Nobel Prize-winning scientist James Watson apologized Friday after saying that blacks aren't as intelligent as whites. He won the Nobel for discovering DNA. If it weren't for his work, Bill Clinton would not have had to get his wife a Senate seat.
Pensacola was hit Tuesday by a freak tornado which leveled the city. It's hard to believe all that destruction began with a drop of rain. In a related story, the first Baby Boomer eligible for Social Security filed for retirement benefits Thursday.
Congressman Pete Stark of San Francisco refused to apologize Friday for saying President Bush is amused by casualties in Iraq. His constituents back him. It has Arabs wondering if democracy can ever take hold in a country torn by warring factions.
Homeland Security ran a test Tuesday and found that Los Angeles Airport security screeners missed seventy-five percent of the fake bombs carried through the X-ray machines. There was an explanation. The new X-ray machines only screen for fake boobs.
Joe Torre refused the New York Yankees' final contract offer Thursday. He could not accept the salary cut. They offered him five million dollars to live in New York City one more year, but he's too proud to go on welfare at this point in his life.
Turkey's Parliament voted Wednesday to authorize Turkish troops to invade Iraq to hunt down rebel Kurds. No troops could be sent until the elected representatives of the people specifically authorized it. That's how they do it in backward countries.
Hillary Clinton slipped a million dollars into a Senate spending bill Thursday for a Woodstock Museum. It'll celebrate the famed hippie rock concert thirty-eight summers ago. This is as close as she's going to come to calling for an end to the war.
Stern magazine in Germany ran a poll saying one-fourth of Germans believe that the Third Reich had positive aspects. They cited all the freeways that were built and the low crime rates. Is there any wonder that everybody in Los Angeles is blonde?
Paris Hilton's mercy mission to Africa in November will be followed by cameras shooting a reality series called The Philanthropist. She sincerely wants to learn about Africans. She's curious to know how they manage to stay so thin without cocaine.
Homeland Security ran a test Monday and found that Los Angeles Airport workers missed seventy-five percent of the fake bombs run through the machines. These lapses are common. How do you think half the television shows on the schedule make it to the air?
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton