Jewish World Review Oct. 19, 2006 / 27 Tishrei, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Census Bureau says America's population hit three hundred million people Tuesday. They said the newest resident was a Latino baby born in Los Angeles. The extra six pounds five ounces was enough to tip the continent and lift Mexico three feet into the air.
Wesley Snipes was indicted on Monday for filing fraudulent income tax returns and for nonpayment of millions in taxes. No one knows where he is and no one's seen him. Sometimes being represented by the William Morris Agency is very helpful.
Disneyland said Monday it will start serving healthy and natural foods. They mean well but this could backfire. If they're going to serve spinach, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride could wind up being the jog from the concession stand to the bathrooms.
Nevada will vote in November on a ballot measure to legalize marijuana. Keep a careful eye out for the pedestrians. Every time the traffic light changes on Las Vegas Boulevard the stoners will jump up and down thinking they hit the jackpot.
The Chicago Cubs hired veteran manager Lou Piniella on Tuesday to bring the Cubs back to glory after a hundred years in the baseball wilderness. He's a good choice. Only Mark Foley has a better chance of turning the young Cubs around.
Warner Brothers resurrected a television series pilot called Capital City that ABC rejected four years ago. It's about a congressional page who works on Capitol Hill. The studio now thinks they can sell twenty-two episodes to Bravo sight unseen.
Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid used campaign donations to tip the hotel staff at the Ritz Carlton where he lives in Washington. It's all been straightened out. He's going to reimburse his campaign with money from his next Indian casino hold-up.
Hillary Clinton admitted Monday she wasn't named after Mt. Everest climber Sir Edmund Hillary. He did it six years after she was born. She'd rather say it was a lie than admit that for the first six years of her life her parents called her Frostbite.
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton