Jewish World Review Oct. 13, 2006 / 21 Tishrei, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tiger Woods stood on Hollywood Boulevard and hit a drive to Beverly Hills on Monday. It was a video game launch. The ball rolled two miles to Camden Drive and by the time anyone could pick it up the plastic surgeons had removed all the dimples.
Six Flags refused to cancel a Halloween cockroach-eating contest despite the protests by animal rights groups. It's a timely dispute. The closer we get to nuclear war, the more interested everybody gets in the survival skills of cockroaches.
House Republicans called for a probe Wednesday of Clinton National Security Adviser Sandy Berger. The congressmen want to know what was in his pants when he smuggled documents out of the National Archives. He's over eighteen, so it's progress.
North Korea tested atomic bombs Monday while the U.S. Congress was campaigning back home. They must be consulted. Congress doesn't reconvene until mid-November when they hold the annual Running of the Boys festival in the hallways of the U.S. Capitol.
North Korea's Kim Jong Il vowed to attack California if the U.S. does not stop pestering him. He takes amphetamines with two quarts of cognac a day and keeps a harem. Fortunately, Los Angeles is protected by a shield of professional courtesy.
The Automobile Club reported Thursday that gasoline prices went down for the ninth straight week in the United States. Democrats cried foul. They believe that lower gas prices are a plot by Dick Cheney to let the people be happy for one month.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton