Jewish World Review Oct. 9, 2006 / 17 Tishrei, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Speaker Denny Hastert refused to resign on Friday over the Mark Foley e-mail cover-up. Republicans are getting terrible advice on the scandal. They need to fire these strategists who keep telling them that they all have to get on the same page.
Congressman Chris Cannon of Utah raised eyebrows Friday by suggesting House pages be more careful. All the local predators are lying low. Lobbyists will never forgive Congressman Foley for giving cruising the halls of Congress a bad name.
President Bush celebrated Hispanic Heritage Week Friday with a gala party at the White House. Two hundred people were invited but six hundred people showed up. Later that day the Secret Service found the White House fence cut in two places.
Bill Clinton announced a deal Friday to crack down on snack foods being sold in schools. From now on snack foods must have less sugar, salt and fat. If Bill Clinton's name is forever linked with tastelessness, he's got only himself to blame.
Secretary of State Condi Rice's surprise trip to Baghdad on Thursday did not go smoothly. She has to be rattled. Her plane was delayed by gunfire going in and mechanical problems going out, and that was just the refueling stop in Detroit.
San Francisco had a huge antiwar protest on Market Street on Thursday. Forty thousand people met in a park and beat their drums and chanted slogans together. Single people are sick and tired of trying to meet the right person on the Internet.
Dallas Cowboys star Terrell Owens said Friday he's written a children's book called Little T Learns to Share. It's all starting to make sense. The suicide attempt was just a book promotion stunt to get people to call him another Hemingway.
The Palms Hotel in Las Vegas began offering guests the Hugh Hefner Sky Villa suite for forty thousand dollars a night. The bedroom has his old circular, eight-foot-diameter, spinning bed. It was a gift to Hugh Hefner from the King of Bulimia.
OPEC agreed Wednesday to cut production four percent to keep gasoline prices from falling any further. Democrats are very relieved. For all the money they paid for those hybrid cars they don't want SUV drivers to have been right all along.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton