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Jewish World Review Oct. 29, 2004 / 14 Mar-Cheshvan, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The Boston Red Sox astounded the world in St. Louis Wednesday and won the World Series for the first time in eighty- six years. No one can believe that they finally won. Everybody said Ted Williams would freeze over before that happened.

The World Series drew huge ratings for Fox Television this week but baseball is no longer the top sport. It has been replaced. In today's America, changing the channel whenever the political commercials come on is the new national pastime.

The Sporting News reported that U.S. service personnel are trying to introduce baseball to Iraq. There's a huge language problem. When the Iraqis heard that Barry Bonds was an explosive hitter, they stole three hundred tons of bats with his signature on them.

NFL owners discussed the pros and cons of fielding a team in the Los Angeles Coliseum Wednesday. Street parking is located where the Rodney King riots began. A plaque at the corner of Florence and Normandie marks the birthplace of reality television.

President Bush told Wisconsin Wednesday that John Kerry will say anything to get elected. His statements are getting goofier. Yesterday John Kerry accused President Bush of robbing the middle class of its daylight savings and giving it to his rich friends.

John Kerry gained ground with white males in Ohio polls Tuesday after he was shown hunting. He had blood all over his hands after he shot a goose. The way Democrats prefer to hunt, they sneak up on an animal and then build a barn around him.

Diane Sawyer interviewed Bill Clinton on ABC's PrimeTime Live on Thursday. He indicated an interest in becoming U.N. Secretary-General. Republicans responded by contending he's two days early because Devil's Night falls on Saturday this year.

Yasser Arafat collapsed into unconsciousness Wednesday, causing his doctors to describe the PLO leader as gravely ill. His death could cause a major disruption. The Israelis thought they were done with the Jewish holidays this year.

San Francisco reported a drop in tourism Wednesday due to the hotel workers lockout. The hospitality industry there was going downhill anyway. San Francisco is the only city in the world in which the term boy-meets-girl is used regularly as a term of abuse.

The China News Agency reported Wednesday that archaeologists digging in Indonesia found fossilized remains of a tiny human that is now extinct. Scientists believe the species shrank while isolated on a remote island. Today they call that spa cuisine.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton