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Jewish World Review Oct. 11, 2004 / 26 Tishrei, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | St. Louis was the site of a presidential debate Friday in front of a crowd who are still somehow undecided. Some people take forever to make up their minds. Afterwards half said they might vote for Bush while the other half were leaning toward Dukakis.

Ricky Williams said he wants to return to the Miami Dolphins after retiring in July to smoke pot and enjoy reggae concerts in the Caribbean. It's a highly seductive lifestyle. Jamaica has the only newspapers in the world with gummed edges.

The Columbus Day Parade is held today in New York. He was the world's first Democrat. He left not knowing where he was going, arrived not knowing where he was, went home not knowing where he had been, and he did it all on government money.

La-Z-Boy lowered its profits forecast Thursday. The furniture maker blamed weaker earnings on the rising cost of raw materials. People are paying so much for potato chips, beer, and basic cable that there's no money left for the recliner.

NFL star Jamaal Lewis pleaded guilty to conspiracy to sell cocaine. The FBI busted the deal by listening to his cellphone conversations. If only he had set up the deal in Arabic, government agents wouldn't have had a clue what was going on.

Teresa Heinz Kerry told Dr. Phil she was strict with her boys about TV viewing. She limited them to thirty minutes of educational television a day. Now they are the only kids in their generation who think that the Brady Bunch is a gun control group.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton