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Jewish World Review Oct. 4, 2004 / 19 Tishrei, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Talledega Racetrack was picketed by civil rights groups Friday. There are no black NASCAR drivers in the race. Protest leaders are upset because NASCAR won't recognize slow-speed freeway chases around the Los Angeles basin as qualifying laps.

The New York Yankees and St. Louis Cardinals are favored to meet in the World Series. They have the two biggest fan bases in America. To get any press coverage during this World Series, John Kerry and George Bush would have to elope to Vermont.

John Kerry kept his debate answers short and crisp Thursday to the amazement of staff and supporters. That three-minute clock with the red and yellow lights really seemed to help him. Teresa just had one installed on the bathroom mirror.

The Wall Street Journal's Al Hunt wrote Wednesday that Bill Clinton is getting in shape to campaign for John Kerry in the final days before the November election. How badly does Bill needs to get out of the house? Hillary is starting to look good.

Teresa Heinz Kerry attended fundraisers in Southern California Wednesday and did a little networking the next day in Beverly Hills. It didn't go the way she wanted. Three agents told her they could maybe get her a walk-on role as a maid.

SpaceShipOne launched in the Mojave Desert Wednesday in an attempt to win a ten million dollar prize for private rocket design. The space ship is powered by rubber and laughing gas. Throw in a banjo and you have the Steve Martin Starter Kit.

Monster Cable on Tuesday purchased the naming rights to Candlestick Park in San Francisco and the stadium is now Monster Park. The name could backfire. Most people raised during the Cold War think Monster Park was the founder of North Korea.

The U.S. State Department announced Thursday that Syria has agreed to tighten its border with Iraq. It's in their national interest. Syria was alarmed last spring when ten percent of its labor force didn't show up for work on Cinco de Mayo.

Wall Street fell Thursday on news of Nigerian rebels threatening to halt the flow of oil. Crude advanced past fifty dollars per barrel. It made everybody wistful for the good old days when crude advances meant that Hillary was out of town.

Merck pharmaceuticals recalled its arthritis drug Vioxx Thursday after it was found by the FDA to increase the risk of heart attacks. The company stock plunged on the news. The night before, Martha Stewart's lawyer saved her another six months in prison by wrestling the cell phone out of her hand before she could press Sell.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton