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Jewish World Review Oct. 30, 2003 /4 Mar-Cheshvan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Johnny Cash will be remembered at the Grammy Awards Show in Los Angeles next spring. As an artist he was way ahead of his time. Forty years ago Ring of Fire was a number one hit for Johnny Cash, and today it's a California real estate brochure.

Los Angeles police said Tuesday that two arsonists started the brushfires. Motive was difficult to figure. But when the smoky haze and orange light made everyone look ten years younger, Ryan O'Neal and Dyan Cannon were brought in for questioning.

Wesley Clark charged Tuesday President Bush has twisted facts, retaliated against dissenters, shown contempt for allies and started a war for no good reason. General Clark once issued an unobeyed order for an attack on the Russian Army in Kosovo. These Nixon impersonators do nothing but make Americans miss the Elvis impersonator.

Bill Clinton addressed a Democratic fundraiser at a Washington D.C. nightclub Monday. It was packed with four thousand fans. They consisted of two thousand guys who want to be like him and two thousand women who think they could change him.

Democrat Dick Gephardt spoke at a senior citizen center in Des Moines Tuesday where he slammed Howard Dean and warned that Dean would short-change Medicare. That's nuts, Howard Dean is a licensed physician. If anything he would overcharge Medicare.

Howard Dean insisted Monday he endorses affirmative action. He's always stood for racial progress. As governor of Vermont he risked impeachment by abolishing old laws requiring separate public schools and drinking fountains for Presbyterians.

The Senate threatened Tuesday to expel foreign diplomats who have unpaid parking tickets. They are absent-minded by nature. Six were injured in their driveways Monday when they forgot to adjust the clock on their car bombs for Daylight Savings Time.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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