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Jewish World Review Oct. 24, 2003 / 28 Tishrei, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Liza Minnelli was sued Monday by her estranged husband, who said the singer drank two quarts of vodka every day of their marriage. She just idolizes Dean Martin. When he died, he was cremated and it took Red Adair eleven days to put out the fire.

Arnold Schwarzenegger on Wednesday named a woman to be his Chief of Staff when he becomes governor in mid-November. He needs a right hand he can trust. His actual right hand is detoxing on grapefruits and cantaloupes at the Betty Ford Center.

Malaysia's prime minister refused to apologize Wednesday for saying on international television that Jews rule the world. His mind is obviously poisoned. This is what happens when foreigners learn to speak English in five easy Nixon White House tapes.

Colin Powell spoke at a donors conference in Madrid to try to help rebuild Iraq. Seventy nations attended. It's amazing how many people will sit through a one-hour presentation if you promise them a free weekend at a time-share resort.

Hillary Clinton will emcee an Iowa dinner November 15th with all Democratic candidates in attendance. They will make speeches between courses. Cockroaches and politicians are the only two things that can stay up all night and eat anything.

Howard Dean was endorsed by the International Union of Painters Wednesday. They had a little trouble getting the endorsement ceremony going. The Episcopalian sat still on a horse for three hours until he realized that these are house painters.

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