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Jewish World Review Oct. 16, 2003 / 20 Tishrei, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | New York had a parade Monday honoring Christopher Columbus. He was the first Democrat. He left not knowing where he was going, arrived not knowing where he was, went home not knowing where he had been, and he did it all on government money.

Denver held a protest march by Indian activists on Columbus Day. They say he brought conquest, slavery and cultural genocide to North America. Anglo-Saxons can't believe our luck that Indians blame our little market opening on some Italian.

Dennis Miller was asked by conservatives to run for the U.S. Senate and Will Smith said Monday he wants to be president. It's becoming a cottage industry. By next year, street vendors in Beverly Hills will be selling Maps to the Candidates' Homes.

Al Gore announced Monday he's close to finalizing the deal to start up an all-news channel with a liberal news slant. It's aimed at Americans under twenty-five. The only chance to make them Democrats is to get them before they own anything.

John Kerry accused the White House of offending our allies with a blustering and arrogant foreign policy. He could connect better himself. If John Kerry was any more remote, his chief of staff would play the sitar outside his office atop the Himalayas.

Colin Powell complained Sunday that the U.S. and Britain are being turned down by every country in the United Nations in the effort to get international help in Iraq. So it's still negotiable. According to Kobe Bryant's lawyers, no means yes.

The Pentagon announced excitedly Monday that Saddam Hussein was just sighted in a western desert town. Probably Roswell. Of all the artist renderings of what Saddam may look like now, they forgot to show us what he would look like with green skin. .

The Washington Post investigated National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice and her close relationship with President Bush. The paper says her job is to crack the whip over Colin Powell and Don Rumsfeld. Draw your own conclusions as to how these people spend their weekends and why they're always at an undisclosed location.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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