Saturday

May 28th, 2022

Insight

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published Sept. 27, 2021

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
Hillary Clinton remained mum Thursday after Special Counsel John Durham's indictment of her lawyer Michael Sussman for making up the Trump-Russia collusion hoax to the FBI in 2016. His testimony could ruin Hillary. The coroner listed his time of death at around three AM, tomorrow.

Microsoft's Bill Gates was grilled on PBS News Hour by Judy Woodruff who cornered him on his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein. It took Covid to change the subject from Epstein and his running buddies. None of these billionaires wanted to be famous, they just wanted to settle down and have kids.

Bob Woodward's book reveals when Biden moved in the White House he found a video screen where Trump would swing his golf clubs at the screen and virtually play the world's great courses. Biden reacted spitefully. Joe's at the age where any hint of what heaven is going to be like spooks him.

Politico confirmed the veracity of Hunter Biden's laptop that showed him doing coke, having drunk sex with strippers and bragging about all the scams he pulled. I had the same reaction as millions of fellow Baby Boomers. Thank God we didn't have cell phone cameras in the late Seventies.

The Portland Oregonian poll shows widespread approval for the new law reducing the penalty for illegal drug possession to a parking ticket. It's an issue for younger adults. Baby Boomers as a rule don't do illegal drugs anymore because we can get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

Scientific American warns that the coming age of robots and automatons could be filled with unforeseen mishaps. Last week it was learned that a drone strike accidentally killed ten people in Afghanistan. Amazon has apologized and they have promised to take fireworks off their Deals of the Day.

Clint Eastwood released his latest motion picture Cry Macho in which he struggles tirelessly to get a kid out of Mexico. In his previous movie Eastwood was obsessed with getting drugs out of Mexico. Clint Eastwood is the only Republican determined to get something out of Mexico besides oil.

The White House couldn't say how many Haitians have been released into the U.S. Amazon can track packages but the U.S. can't track illegal immigrants. We should send every one of them a package, and when it's delivered, we pull it up on the computer and at least we'll know where we are.

Fox News reporters in Del Rio said Wednesday that Haitians were being flown out of Texas and into the US with papers asking them to contact the INS in ninety days. Haitians don't exactly have the most successful reputations in business. Two Haitians walk into a bar, and the bar collapses.

The White House ordered the mounted Border Patrol be taken off duty Thursday. Democrats are furious they twirled their reins to herd Haitians, saying it looked like the U.S. cavalry was whipping black people. Kamala Harris said that people should not be whipped, unless they pay extra.

GET ARGUS' DAILY SMILES to your inbox. Sign up for the JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Health Line reports the number of Covid cases and hospitalizations fell sharply last week. I've received many emails from audiences urging that I get tested after they heard that Covid's first symptom is no taste. All I can say is, if my jokes offend you, you should hear the ones I keep to myself.

Beer Industry News reports that craft beer breweries are developing direct-to-customer delivery services. It'll give people a chance to sample a huge variety of craft-brewed beer at home. The fantastic thing about craft breweries is how they make your drinking problem seem like a neat hobby.

The New York Stock Exchange fell sharply Monday on investor fears of inflation and worries that the Fed may raise interest rates. Wall Street's confidence in our country's future is getting a little shaky. I asked my stockbroker Monday what to buy, and he said canned goods and ammunition.

The Emmy Awards aired on CBS Sunday in Hollywood and comedian Cedric the Entertainer served as the host. It just never changes. Every year the Emmy Awards allow TV viewers to see the most number of Hollywood celebrities in one place without having to donate to the Democratic Party.

The Green Bay Packers came roaring back from their opening game defeat Monday to trounce the Detroit Lions on Monday Night Football. Afterwards, Aaron Rodgers told viewers his season's first interception was caused by a painful double-nut shot. Or as Nicki Minaj calls it, the Covid vaccine.

The State Department acknowledged that refugees from Afghanistan aren't vaccinated but the good news is they made it out safe. Last week, in comedian's language, twenty-three thousand Afghans landed in the U.S. and boy, are their arms tired. And that's just from hanging on to the plane.

The Homeland Security Secretary arrived in Texas Monday to see migrants pouring across the border, promising to show up in court. The language barrier complicates the process. Last week, two Mexican guys showed up in L.A. Court for their deportation hearing, and the judge married them.

President Biden issued an order requiring all government workers to be vaccinated for Covid, however vaccinations can't be required of Members of Congress and the Senate. And forget about giving them Ivermectin. Congress can be fully vaccinated but it's impossible to have them de-wormed.

President Biden traveled to New York Tuesday to give a speech to the United Nations General Assembly, a task world leaders perform at the UN each September. He began by declaring that the United States is back. It's always best to start your speech with a joke to get the audience on your side.

President Biden cited climate change in his UN speech Tuesday ignoring the world migration crisis and French fury at the U.S. The UN reminds me of the crematorium at Forest Lawn that caught fire last weekend. Damage was extensive, however they are now three days ahead of schedule.

Boxing Hall of Famer Manny Pacquiao was nominated for President of the Philippines last week after years of serving in the legislature. Always a huge fan favorite, he was one of the great fighters of modern times. Of all the world leaders on today's stage only Kamala Harris has dropped more boxers.

The N.Y. Post covered the BLM protest against Carmine's restaurant in Manhattan. An Asian American hostess refused to let a party of black people enter the restaurant as they couldn't show proof of vaccination. The University of Mississippi just elected her the Queen of Throwback Thursday.

President Biden offered to give a Bud Light to anybody getting vaccinated, prompting Mexico's president to offer a free bottle of Corona. Joining the fun, Ireland's president announced he'll give out bottles of water. He said if the U.S. and Mexico aren't going to give out beer, neither is Ireland.

(COMMENT, BELOW)

=

Columnists

Toons

Lifestyles