May 23rd, 2022


Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published Sept. 13, 2021

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
Los Angeles drivers got hit with sixty-five dollar fill-ups last week as the supply shortage back East drained West Coast reserves. It's affecting every community, including mine. Whenever gasoline hits five dollars a gallon in West Hollywood, it's cheaper to buy cocaine and just run everywhere.

Daily Variety says movie producers are being pressured by advocates against body-shaming to cast actresses with larger body sizes. The animators at Disney Studio just heeded to the call for more realistic cartoon characters and created a plus-sized sister for Tinkerbell. Her name is Tacobell.

West Hollywood finished a two-year interior renovation on the flashy West Hollywood Public Library this past week. However they had to move some of the books around. Travel is now in the Fantasy Section, Science Fiction is under Current Affairs, and Epidemiology is in the Self-Help area.

Real Estate World says Baby Boomer couples have begun selling their houses and downsizing for convenience. Being single and in my sixties, I'm very fortunate to have someone who calls me every day to see how I'm doing. He's from India and he's very concerned about my car warranty.

The New York Post cited Census Bureau numbers showing Millennials aren't marrying fast enough to replace themselves. It's way over-rated. Anyone who says their wedding day was the happiest day of their life has obviously never had two Snickers bars fall down at once from the vending machine.

Britney Spears' father gave up conservatorship over her fortune Friday, twelve years after her crack-up. Life is all about perspective. I know one guy who has sex two times every day, exercises twice a day and reads three books a week, yet all he does is complain about how much he hates prison.

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Heineken reports a huge increase in sales thanks to its new Heineken Zero that tastes like beer but it has no alcohol at all. I turned down a sample at the supermarket. To a recovering alcoholic like Lord Hamilton here, drinking a no-alcohol beer is like getting a handshake on your honeymoon.

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that President Biden's declared ban on apartment evictions was unconstitutional and a violation of property rights. Renters have been taking advantage of all the pandemic relief. Last week I took out a second mortgage on my place and my landlord is just furious.

Advertising Age reports competition for grocery store shelf space is making product packaging an important sales tool. This past week, Coca-Cola completely re-packaged Diet Coke to try to boost sales, but Mormons aren't fooled. They believe Diet Coke is the gateway drug to Mountain Dew.

The Toronto Star reported that two military planes flying over western Canada last week had to dive quickly to avoid flying into into a bright-green glowing UFO spacecraft in the air. My advice is that we not take UFOs too seriously. What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?

Southern California supermarkets report an increased consumer demand for humanely raised food, a fact that was illustrated Friday when I read this notice over the poultry display. These eggs have been laid by hens that are allowed to roam free. I never thought I'd be jealous of a chicken.

Live Well magazine published an article about mothers who sometimes must breastfeed their infants and endure negative comments they receive from passers-by. It's legal in every state except in Idaho. I believe breastfeeding in public is natural and beautiful and when I'm hungry, I'm hungry.

The Chicago Tribune reported on Tuesday that ground is broken and construction has begun on the Barack Obama Presidential Center in Chicago. It's on Chicago's Southside. The Barack Obama Presidential Center will include a museum and public library and an ER for gunshot wounds.