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May 28th, 2022

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Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published Sept. 6, 2021

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
The CDC moved to purify language last week, identifying toxic and stigmatizing phrases in English. The CDC said alcoholics should be addressed as persons with alcohol issues. The homeless should be called persons lacking shelter, and illegal immigrants described as mail-in voters.

President Biden spoke to the nation Tuesday and took credit for the success of the airlifting of refugees from Kabul Airport while he blamed Trump for the evacuation debacle. It didn't go unanswered. Jimmy Carter just released a statement blaming Gerald Ford for the 1979 hostage crisis.

Impeachment: An American Crime Story miniseries begins Tuesday about the Bill Clinton sex scandals in the White House. The Clintons are G od's gift to comedy. Hillary recently said that her guilty pleasure is eating chocolates while Bill Clinton said his guilty pleasure is being Bill Clinton.

Impeachment: An American Crime Story on FX details the perils of Bill Clinton's presidency in the 1990s. Republicans pursued him with hound dogs every day. Right after his second term, Bill Clinton became the only white Southerner in history to move to Harlem for his own personal safety.

The Pentagon declared the War in Afghanistan over with the final withdrawal of U.S. troops on Monday. It should have ended ten years ago, after we tracked down Osama bin Laden. At the time Republicans were so happy when bin Laden was killed they granted President Obama full citizenship.

The White House was hit by new nationwide poll Thursday that showed President Biden's job approval rating plummeted twenty points to forty three percent over his handling of the Afghan evacuation. How bad is it? On Friday the state of Louisiana declared President Biden a disaster area.

President Biden tried to change the subject from foreign policy Thursday and blamed extreme weather on climate change in a speech. It was a victory lap. After labeling the partial evacuation from Afghanistan an extraordinary success, Biden called Hurricane Ida a refreshing summer rain.

President Biden was set to fly to Louisiana to try to pick up everyone's spirits after this week's devastation, which is a hoot. Joe Biden says he's willing to help Louisiana and Mississippi with hurricane recovery. After seeing how he helped Afghanistan, they might want to handle it themselves.

Republicans accused Democrats of using Hurricane Ida damage to promote a socialist agenda through infrastructure bill entitlements Thursday. It's never worked. Socialism has its own law of physics, which says that for each and every action there's an equal and opposite government program.

The Pentagon began leaking its outrage to the Washington Post over Biden leaving Americans behind in Afghanistan. It's a bad week for the touchy-feely crowd. A CNN reporter tried to make a U.S. Marine sniper feel guilty by asking him what he feels when he kills a terrorist, and he said recoil.

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki refused comment on Biden's July call urging Afghan president Ghani to lie about the war's progress two weeks before he fled. The conclusion is obvious. No one could have foreseen the total collapse in leadership, and the same goes for the Afghan president.

The Food Network posted the Baked Alaska recipe used by White House chefs. It's made with one pint of sorbet, one pint of vanilla ice cream, one quart of chocolate ice cream, chocolate wafer crumbs and one loaf of pound cake. Baked Alaska is also Sarah Palin's nickname when she's stoned.

California Governor Gavin Newsom appears this week to be in real trouble, at risk of getting recalled and replaced by conservative Larry Elder. It's getting nasty. This week, Democrats released an old yearbook photo of Larry in a college musical and claimed that it shows him performing in blackface.

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President Biden declared the evacuation of Afghanistan an extraordinary success Tuesday. I don't know. Biden also says the voyage of the Titanic was an extraordinary success when you consider it made it most of the way across the ocean and thirty-one percent of the passengers survived.

President Biden called the Afghan pullout an extraordinary success as we got ninety percent of the Americans out. Then I've also had extraordinary success in long-term relationships with women. Ninety percent evacuated on their own and the ten percent who tried to stay had to go into hiding.

The Los Angeles Times reported a surge in patient complaints about shoddy health care in Los Angeles. Just last week, I went in for a routine exam, and it went painlessly until the doctor put on a glove and used his middle finger to check my prostate. I think it's time for me to change dentists.

The Pentagon said the U.S. might work with the Taliban to battle Al-Qaeda and State dangled cash to the Taliban if they'll behave along Western norms. Tuesday in Kabul, the Taliban was reportedly going door-to-door. The top guy sold three U.S. armored Humvees and an attack helicopter.

The Taliban partied this week by flying abandoned Apache attack helicopters over Kandahar and driving in machine gun-mounted U.S. vehicles. It's all thanks to the evacuation. How shrewd did Biden turn out to be now that Russia has a hostile neighbor to the South that's armed to the teeth.

New York plans next week to mark the twentieth anniversary of Osama bin Laden's attack on the Twin Towers and escape to Afghanistan. The comedy never ends in Washington. The same government who spent 20 years to replace the Taliban with the Taliban is now waging a war on Covid.

President Biden raised eyebrows while discussing Covid precautions last week when he advised parents that proper child raising includes masking up the kids for school. Joe did such a fine job of raising Hunter that Charlie Sheen ended up hosting his intervention. I had to be onstage that night.

Hurricane Ida dissipated into a tropical storm on the Eastern Seaboard. Louisiana's governor praised residents for taking advance safety measures and shuttering businesses and boarding up the windows in stores and houses. By that measure, Detroit had been hurricane-ready for forty years.

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