May 25th, 2022


Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published Sept. 2, 2021

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
People magazine profiled The West Wing star Martin Sheen for his long and distinguished acting career in an article promoting his latest movie, The Twelve Mighty Orphans. His choice of movie and TV roles reflects his natural leadership ability. Martin Sheen was in Apocalypse Now, and now we all are.

The Taliban fired rifles in the air as the last U.S. forces left Afghanistan on Monday. They have defeated the United States, Russia and the British Empire. Yesterday a reporter asked me what my plans were for the fall and it took me a moment to realize he meant autumn, not the fall of civilization.

The State Department dangled foreign aid to the Taliban Tuesday if they agree to dial back its barbarian behavior. Last night in Afghanistan, one sperm swimming up the vaginal canal said to another sperm, I can't wait to grow up to be a Taliban. The other one replied, Dude, you're in a goat.

President Biden took a victory lap describing the U.S. withdrawal Tuesday while Trump's head exploded over the pullout. It's not necessary to take sides. If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that the Taliban takeover in Afghanistan went smoother than the American presidential transition.

President Biden was ripped Tuesday for deciding to abandon Bagram Air Base, not insisting on a coalition government and withdrawing troops first, leaving behind civilians and military hardware. Congress reacted decisively. The House Democrats plan to impeach Trump for a third time.

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The Taliban released a propaganda video on YouTube celebrating its victory over the United States on Tuesday that featured the famous rock star ensemble recording of We Are the World. It's worrisome. At this rate the Taliban may soon have the technical knowledge to solve Rubik's Cube.

President Biden caught heat from House Democrats Friday who worry about their re-election due to the Afghan debacle. Even Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream has joined the critical chorus. They just created a new ice cream flavor in honor of Biden's evacuation strategy, it's called Abandon-Mint.

The Pentagon conceded that the withdrawal from Afghanistan left the Taliban with a treasure trove of abandoned U.S. military weapons, U.S. combat helicopters and armed Humvees. That's not all. With all the Afghans leaving the country, the Taliban just acquired 8,973 abandoned taxicabs.

President Biden's speech explaining his evacuation Tuesday rallied the liberal media behind him. The Democrats fell quickly back in line and made supportive statements. Senator Chuck Schumer assured each American who's stranded in Afghanistan that they will receive a mail-in ballot.

The State Department raised eyebrows saying the Taliban could qualify for U.S. aid if they will govern along Western norms. A PR agent is all they need. Demi Lovato accepts an engagement ring from a five-year-old and everyone says it's cute, the Taliban does basically the same thing and it's evil.

The White House caught heat over video that showed President Biden impatiently glancing at his watch during Monday's Fallen Heroes ceremony. They Press Secretary said Biden was not looking at his watch he was looking at his rosary. Only Joe Biden would have a rosary made by Rolex.

President Biden set off a firestorm of criticism at FEMA headquarters while talking to disaster officials in Louisiana when Joe referred to his black FEMA advisor Cedric Richmond as boy. I say give Joe a break on this one. Come on man, he's either the last of the Southern Democrats or he's not.