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Jewish World Review Sept. 2, 2019 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Florida's governor went on Fox News Thursday to urge the residents of the Sunshine State to evacuate in an orderly manner ahead of Dorian. If anything, the residents were over-prepared for the hurricane's arrival. Thanks to Amazon most of the local retail stores were boarded up months ago.
• An Air China airliner had smoke in the cabin before take-off Thursday, blamed on a computer problem on the plane. The flight had to be canceled. First they ask you to believe Epstein committed suicide, and now they want you to believe that a plane full of Asians couldn't fix a computer problem.
• Bernie Sanders was victimized by a stunt gone wrong Thursday when he was hit in the face by a punching bag he'd just slugged in a gym. You have to admit Democrats are connected. Bernie Sanders gets smashed in the head, and several states away, Joe Biden forgets what he's talking about.
• President Trump drew media fire after he said he'll host next year's G-7 Summit at the Trump Doral Resort in Miami. One report surfaced that Trump was once sued because the luxury cottages at the hotel are infested with bedbugs. And CNN reported they were Russian bedbugs.
• Congresswoman Ilhan Omar was accused of having an affair with her political consultant by the political consultant's estranged wife in court documents. I'm not sure how Sharia law comes down on this. Ilhan swears she's not dating the consultant, insisting that she loves him like a brother.
• Bernie Sanders campaigned in New England in trying to recapture his magic touch with young voters. They are nothing if not loyal to the old socialist. Millennials in Bernie Sanders shirts are proof that some kids never grow out of wanting to wear clothes with dinosaurs on them.
• The United Electrical Workers Union just endorsed Bernie Sanders, which is surprising when you consider he doesn't support the death penalty. You'd think that if any union demanded that a candidate support the death penalty, it would be the United Electrical Workers Union. Work is work.
• Botox Cosmetics ignited fresh consumer demand by advertising on cable news shows this past week. In Brentwood, a burglar broke into a Botox Clinic and stole thousands of dollars worth of Botox and anti-aging products. The cops can't wait to nab her and see the surprised look on her face.
• Manhattan's federal court was the scene of one dozen women accusers of Jeffrey Epstein who claimed he robbed them of their innocence. That's not all. Another accuser told the court that twenty years ago she was sexually assaulted by whoever Trump nominates to succeed Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
• President Trump was quoted saying he'd consider using atomic weapons on hurricanes which get too near heavily populated areas. No one ever thought of nuking hurricanes. Right now he is concerned about hurricanes that are near Iran, Central America and the House of Representatives.
• Democratic Socialist presidential candidate Bernie Sanders introduced his own version of the Green New Deal hoping to co-opt the environmental zeal of Millennials. Bernie said he sees an America with no cars and no airplanes. We should elect him president of Gilligan's Island.
• Joe Biden worked his special goofy spell on a New Hampshire crowd. Joe had the audience looking cross-eyed when he asked them to think about what it would be like if Barack Obama had been assassinated when he first ran for president. In fact it's all Hillary ever thinks about.
• Business Week magazine hosted a roundtable of economists and accountants who warned that at the current rate of federal expenditures, Social Security will run out of money in fifteen years. The good news is, that's three more years than the planet has left. So don't say it's being mismanaged.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2018, Argus Hamilton |
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