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Jewish World Review Sept. 19, 2016 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• The New York Post says New York state assemblyman Bill Nojay won his primary election last Tuesday even though the guy had been dead four days. He won because his name remained on the ballot after he'd died. It gave Democrats hope that Hillary Clinton could win this thing either way.
• New York Assemblyman Bill Nojay won his Democratic primary Tuesday even though he was under an FBI corruption probe and committed suicide last week. This is far from over. Bill Nojay can still win in November after Hillary Clinton's physician wrote a letter pronouncing him fit to serve.
• President Obama campaigned for Hillary Clinton Wednesday saying she'd be the first woman president. Both parties have a chance to make history. If Donald Trump is elected president it'd be the first time a Presbyterian ever moved into federal housing that had been vacated by a black family.
• Starbucks owner Howard Schultz blamed social and political turmoil in the United States on the coffee chain's lower-than-expected earnings. He'd never blame it on his prices. If the coffee at Starbucks gets any more expensive, customers may have to switch to a cheaper alternative, cocaine.
• The L.A. Times reported that Trump's Long Beach headquarters have blacks, Hispanics, Jews and women as volunteers. It's a business decision. When you're working three jobs to make ends meet and can't afford the deductibles, nobody has time to catch pneumonia if the candidate drops by.
• Hillary Clinton told a North Carolina crowd Thursday she did not enjoy having to rest at home for six days while sick. She used the time to catch up on all her laundry. At the washing machine, Hillary reminded herself to separate the whites from the deplorables, then realized they are the same.
• TV Guide editors estimated Tuesday that the first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump could draw over one hundred million TV viewers. The nation will be riveted by the format. The first presidential debate will consist of a complete physical followed by a colonoscopy.
• Hillary Clinton recovering in Chappaqua met with her White House transition team. They are buying up Samsung Galaxy Note 7 smart phones. That way, after the next scandal and court order to hand over her cell phone records, they can honestly claim she can't because the phones exploded.
• Colin Powell ripped Hillary Clinton in hacked e-mails Tuesday citing her mafia-like staff and her husband sleeping with bimbos at home. He also called Donald Trump a national disgrace. Colin Powell's political motto is, why run for president when you can start the war and blame Bush?
• Donald Trump tried to lay aside any question about his physical condition and personal health by appearing on the Dr. Oz Show that taped on Wednesday. The show aired on Thursday. Millions of Democrats tuned into the show see if Donald Trump would ask Dr. Oz for a heart, a brain or courage.
• Donald Trump rose to a three-point lead over Hillary in the Los Angeles Times daily tracking poll on Tuesday. There was no panic in the media after Hillary fell behind Trump. Democratic TV commentators calmly explained that this kind of thing is going to happen as the Apocalypse nears.
• Hillary Clinton agreed Thursday to remove the Clintons' name from the Clinton Health Care Initiative Foundation if president. It wasn't her idea. The Clinton name will be removed from the foundation at the request of Health, otherwise Health is threatening to sue Hillary for false advertising.
• Hillary Clinton caught grief from the press Wednesday for not going to the hospital when she collapsed from pneumonia and went to Chelsea's apartment. Hospitals can be lethal. If Jack Kennedy had been driven anywhere but a hospital after he was shot in Dallas, he might be alive today.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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