|
|
|
Jewish World Review Sept. 12, 2016 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• NBC News interviewed professional clowns at a clown convention in Florida on Tuesday who worry about all the recent scary clown sightings in Ohio, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. No one is able to get near them. The clowns refuse to stop scaring people till one of them gets elected president.
• Britain and France began building a thirteen-foot wall at the English Channel port of Calais last week. The wall is to keep migrants from entering France from the sea or the tunnel to England. It's so outrageous, the Mexicans who can swim that far should have their pick of countries to live in.
• Donald Trump in NBC's town hall on Thursday said U.S. generals have been reduced to rubble under this administration. That was risky. Before the interview, Trump was leading voters in the U.S. military by eighteen percent, but after disrespecting the generals he's now leading by sixty percent.
• Hillary said no U.S. troops will be returned to Iraq or Syria to fight ISIS if she's president. She forgot there are already three hundred U.S. troops in Syria and five thousand in Iraq. Sometimes it seems like the only lesson we learned from the World Trade Center attack is to show up late for work.
• Apple hosted an event in San Francisco to unveil the Apple iPhone which CEO Tim Johnson says would have made the company's late founder Steve Jobs proud. The swaggering Jobs built the number-one company in the world. Everybody wanted to work for Steve Jobs except his pancreas.
• NBC held a press event Thursday to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of NBC's TV classic Star Trek. Diverse for its time, the cast included whites, a black girl, a Japanese guy and a Vulcan. However there were no North Koreans on the Starship Enterprise because Star Trek's set in the future.
• Jet Blue arrived in Cuba Tuesday, resuming airline flights between the U.S. and Cuba. This is war. After fifty years of failed U.S. embargoes, naval encirclement, assassination plots and economic sabotage, the U.S. is about to unleash its most lethal weapon on Cuba, the American tourist.
• Syria's Ministry of Tourism released a video Friday that promotes Syria as a vacation heaven showing tranquil beaches packed with sunbathers and beach umbrellas. The vacationers barely notice all the gunfire and carnage. A day later, Chicago accused Syria of stealing their vacation video.
• Hillary Clinton claimed amnesia forty times in her FBI interview about e-mails while Trump admitted he donated to Florida's attorney general to protect Trump University from fraud suits. Comedians all agree. No matter who wins, it will be fun having Nixon back in the White House again.
• Cal State University gave in to demands by its Black Student Union and will provide separate dorms for black students. It drew no criticism from President Obama. That's what the presidency does to you, he came in as Martin Luther King and eight years later he will go out as George Wallace.
• Southern California firefighters were called in for airplane water drops Tuesday when the hills east of L.A. erupted in a brushfire that caused six hundred families to evacuate their homes. It's those Democratic fundraisers. L.A. fire marshals have traced the cause of the fires to Hillary Clinton's pants.
• The FBI report on Hillary's interview said Hillary used thirteen smart phones as Secretary of State. She said one's lost in the mail, two were smashed by hammers and the other eleven can't be found. If El Chapo had Hillary's staff covering his tracks he'd be president of the United States today.
• U.S. government scientists and Florida officials confirmed that Zika-infected mosquitoes have been discovered in Miami Beach this past weekend. It's really so sad. If mosquitoes only sucked fat out of you instead of blood, we'd be holding a ticker tape parade welcoming them to the United States.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
Columnists
Toons
Lifestyles | |||||||||||
