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Jewish World Review Sept. 3, 2015 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• President Obama appointed a career U.S. diplomat to the newly-created post of Hostage Envoy. It is part of an effort to streamline the way the U.S. government handles U.S. citizens being taken hostage by terrorists. It's the first sign that President Obama is preparing to reopen the U.S. Embassy in Teheran.
• Hillary Clinton was beset by more email threatening her candidacy Monday, keeping cable news channels fed with fresh hay for the day. Fox News captures Hillary Clinton every morning, and every afternoon CNN lets Hillary Clinton get away, which keeps everybody happy. When Republicans wake up early in the morning, they have got her, and by the time Democrats get up, she's free as a bird.
• The House of Representatives and Senate will return to work next week where they are expected to take the country to the brink of another government shutdown over the U.S. budget. In the latest poll Congress was given a fifteen percent approval rating. To put that in perspective, Cosby is at sixteen.
• Joe Biden was publicly encouraged by leaders of the NAACP to enter the Democratic primaries and run for U.S. president this week. They appreciate the VP's good work in race relations. During the last seven years, Joe Biden has single-handedly destroyed the myth of white supremacy once and for all.
• President Obama caught heat for renaming Alaska's Mt. McKinley to its tribal name, Denali. It mollified the tribe. If you think that Indians are angry about mountain names and football mascots, just wait until Elizabeth Warren is president and they play Hail to the Chief when she enters the room.
• GOP candidate Scott Walker tried to one-up Donald Trump by suggesting the U.S. needs to build a wall along the Canadian border. Great idea. We'd be the first country in history to have one wall to prevent immigrants from entering the country and one wall to keep taxpayers from fleeing the country.
• President Obama flew to Alaska to attend an environmental conference examining the effect of climate change on the Arctic ice shelf and animal and fish life. This claim is by no means settled science. No scientist can explain why the ice shelf is breaking up and yet the Clintons remain together.
• The White House revealed that President Obama's outreach to Cuba was successful thanks to Pope Francis acting as an intermediary between the U.S. and the Castro brothers. Although the pope did a great job mediating with Cuba, we cannot overuse the pope. It's like running too many trick plays.
• The Weekly Reader published a poll of Southern California schoolchildren which revealed that the majority of them want to become reality TV stars when they grow up. It all goes with the territory. Los Angeles is the only town where everyone thinks there aren't enough cameras at traffic intersections.
• California ballot measure petitioners claimed Tuesday they gathered enough signatures to place legalized marijuana on next week's ballot. The current laws are haphazard. Last week, a man was cited and ticketed by police for selling pot in a Malibu parking lot, because Malibu is zoned for cocaine.
• The American Medical Association journal published a study predicting that forty percent of all Americans will be morbidly obese in fifteen years. They say symptoms creep up on you. For instance, you may be morbidly obese if you go horseback riding and then afterwards they have to shoot the horse.
• NBA analyst Charles Barkley went on ESPN Radio Tuesday and said he thinks sports gambling should be legal in all fifty states not just in Las Vegas. He's a well-known player in Sin City. Charles Barkley is welcome in all the casinos in Las Vegas, but he's banned from every All You Can Eat Buffet.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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