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Jewish World Review Sept. 12, 2014 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Charlie Sheen gave a thousand bucks to the Philly waiter who was stiffed by Eagles receiver LeSean McCoy. It's just what the NFL needed on top of wife-beating videos and sexual assault suits. You know your league's in trouble when Charlie Sheen is helping you clean up your image.
• Atlanta Hawks owner Bruce Levenson produced a racist e-mail he once sent and said he'll sell the team. It figures. Every owner's been digging up their old e-mails and voice mails looking for any evidence they were ever racist ever since Donald Sterling got two billion for the Clippers.
• President Obama vowed to arm Syrian rebels to fight ISIS Wednesday. He had a change of heart. Last month he dismissed the rebels as doctors, dentists and pharmacists, but he's come to realize it's cheaper to give them the half billion now than pay their bills through ObamaCare.
• The White House was reported Friday exploring legal ways to revoke the U.S. travel visas of U.S. citizens who are fighting for ISIS in Iraq and Syria. It's the best way to keep them from returning to the U.S. They are too arrogant to go to Mexico and wait their turn at the truck stop.
• Homeland Security told the Senate Wednesday that ISIS was planning to infiltrate the U.S. through the U.S.-Mexico border. They hate the U.S., they hate Christianity and they hate Anglo-Americans. Dick Cheney just predicted that ISIS will be greeted in California as liberators.
• The Baltimore Ravens fired Ray Rice after a tape surfaced Monday showing him knocking out his fiancee, then the NF suspended him, then Nike and Madden Football dropped him. The next day was worse. ISIS announced they won't recruit Ray Rice, citing their team's core values.
• Ray Rice's wife backed him after he was cut by the Ravens and suspended by the NFL. He has today's celebrity culture working for him. One day you're the most discussed man in the country and the next day you are starring in a new sit-com called Everybody Hates Raymond.
• The U.S. Capitol Visitors Entrance received a security upgrade during the summer recess which moved the x-ray security checkpoints father away from House and Senate chambers. It is a precaution to protect the U.S. Capitol from disturbed individuals. Elections are risky enough.
• The Los Angeles Times reports the Los Angeles Country Club neared agreement Tuesday to host the U.S. Open in nine years. The bartender at the nineteenth hole just invented a new cocktail that mixes an Arnold Palmer with a shot of pure grain alcohol. It's called the John Daly.
• California former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger flew up to Sacramento this past week for the official unveiling of his governor's portrait in the California State Capitol rotunda. The portrait of the governor is so lifelike. They put it right on top of Arnold's housekeeper's portrait.
• The George H.W. Bush naval aircraft carrier arrived in the Persian Gulf Friday. It's named for the president who villainized Saddam Hussein for keeping a tight lid on Iraqis. Then, if you don't think our government has a sense of humor, we named our intelligence headquarters after him.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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