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Jewish World Review Sept. 17, 2013 / 13 Tishrei, 5774 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Bruno Mars will sing at this year's Super Bowl halftime in New Jersey. He's safe. They wanted Miley Cyrus but if it's ten degrees outside, CBS is afraid she'll get stuck to her dance partner in mid-twerk and it'll take firefighters or a porn director to pry them apart.
• Commissioner Roger Goodell vowed to tighten player conduct rules after this year's wave of player arrests. NFL teams agreed to offer fans a cash refund in exchange for the jersey of any NFL player convicted of a crime. Bankruptcy proceedings begin next week.
• Australian wildlife officials searched Friday for a hungover pig who drank eighteen beers at a campsite in the Outback. He stumbled into a ranch and got into a fight with a cow. Local police have issued an all-points bulletin for Johnny Australian Rules Football.
• Governor Jerry Brown was set Friday to sign a bill into law allowing illegal aliens to be issued driver's licenses in California. It's just in time. Pope Francis just ruled that you don't have to be a practicing Catholic to get into heaven, but you may need a photo ID.
• The Senate Judiciary Committee approved the Media Shield bill, which sets the definition of a journalist and protects the press from prosecution. The senators wrote the definition of a journalist into the bill. The new definition of a journalist is a blogger with his pants on.
• President Obama said any attack on Syria would be just a shot across the bow with no boots on the ground. John Kerry said an attack would be unbelievably limited in scope and duration. We now wage war like we're afraid the enemy is going to call Child Services.
• Vladimir Putin wrote a New York Times opinion piece Thursday in which he scolded Americans for thinking the U.S. is an exceptional nation. It proves he knows nothing about this country. Americans don't read anything longer than one hundred and forty characters.
• The U.S. and Russia worked on a U.N. security Council resolution ordering Syria to hand its chemical weapons to international controls. They're cleaning house. In addition, the U.N. Security Council just gave George Zimmerman seven days to turn over a new leaf.
• Russia seized on a White House gaffe Monday to stop a U.S. bombing raid on Syria and rescue Syria's regime from overthrow. Think of it as a chess game. Vladimir Putin moved his queen to the rook's seventh square, prompting President Obama to shout Bingo.
• Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s diary was released by his ex-wife Monday where he confesses daily about his extramarital affairs. He writes that he's a serial womanizer and unable to stop. Like they say, like father like son, like uncles, like grandpas, and like Arnold-in-law.
• Planned Parenthood reported Friday that California leads the nation in the number of unwanted unplanned pregnancies. It's a statistical no-brainer. What do you expect when you have a state with both the most number of women and the most number of NBA teams?
• The IOC handed Tokyo the Olympic Games despite the nuclear waste still leaking out of Japan's Fukushima reactor. It saves on party favors. This time they won't have to distribute free condoms to the athletes in Olympic Village, since everyone will be be sterile.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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