Jewish World Review Sept. 26, 2008 / 26 Elul 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Roger Clemens was excluded from Yankee Stadium's final event Sunday due to his dubious steroid testimony in Washington D.C. He's under FBI investigation for lying to Congress. If we put people in jail for that, we wouldn't have a Treasury Secretary.
JFK Airport in New York was evacuated Tuesday when two paperweights resembling Second World War grenades were found in luggage. As soon as they were identified as World War II grenades, everybody felt better. It meant the Great Depression is over.
Spanish police arrested a self-styled Robin Hood in Madrid Friday. He took out millions of dollars in loans and gave the money to the poor, and now he refuses to pay it back. He had to sit in jail for two hours before he was bailed out by U.S. taxpayers.
President Bush gave a televised address to the nation Wednesday about the Wall Street bailout. He said taxpayers must put up seven hundred billion dollars to save the financial system. At least when O.J. Simpson holds you up he signs a few autographs.
Joe Biden told CBS News Tuesday that when Wall Street crashed in 1929, Franklin Roosevelt went on television and instilled national confidence. However, Herbert Hoover was president and there was no television. Researchers have just gone scrambling into Joe Biden's past looking for his Los Angeles high school diploma.
North Korea reneged on their nuclear disarmament deal Tuesday and restarted their weapons reactor. They aren't considered much of a threat. It's true that North Korea has missiles that can reach Los Angeles, as long as they fired them from Santa Monica.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad predicted America's demise Tuesday. The bar is not set very high for him. He was just re-elected president of Iran by asking the people of Iran if they were better off now than they were four thousand years ago.
Paris Hilton lost two of her pet Chihuahuas to a coyote attack last week, prompting alarm in Beverly Hills. She was never in any danger herself. A coyote would never attack an actress, if only out of courtesy to a fellow member of the Predators Union.
The National Enquirer cited rumored love letters to claim that Barack Obama's marriage has exploded. They asked for tips to see if he's sleeping around. The National Enquirer believes if a politician isn't getting fat, there must be a reason.
John Edwards said Friday he has canceled all appearances through Election Day to keep from being a distraction, due to his marital infidelity becoming public knowledge. If he'd come clean at the start of the campaign, Hillary Clinton would have won every primary. It was the second time that infidelity has locked her out of the Oval Office.
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton