Jewish World Review Sept. 15, 2008 / 15 Elul 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Scotland Yard warned Thursday that an e-mail claiming to contain a Barack Obama sex video is actually a computer virus. There's a sex video in it, but it's not Barack Obama. And it's not really sex, the guy is just trying to help the pig over the fence.
Saudi Arabia's top judge ordered the deaths of owners of TV networks that air lewd shows. He said satellite TV is corrupting the faithful. Richard the Lionheart and President Bush spent their lives trying to defeat Islam, and all it took was Baywatch.
Geraldo Rivera was on the beach as Hurricane Ike hit Friday. It can be suicide for a reporter to stand in front of a camera during a hurricane. They all remember Hurricane Carla and what happened to Dan Rather, however that took thirty-eight years.
Galveston cops told residents who stayed Friday to write their Social Security numbers on their arms so they could identify them. That's okay for Texas. If they did this in L.A., the looters would steal the arms to get their credit card information.
The Las Vegas jail doctor was busted with a crack pipe in his hand Thursday as he was approaching O.J. Simpson on the steps of the county courthouse. Imagine O.J.'s ire. Even though he retired twenty-eight years ago, he still hates to miss a hand-off.
Texas Armoring of San Antonio said Friday they can't keep up with the demand by NFL players who want to armor plate their SUVs and fit them with bulletproof glass, rear smoke-screens and tacks. It's the league's fault. When players were forced to take their touchdown celebrations out of the end zones, they fell in with the wrong crowd.
O.J. Simpson jurors were ordered Thursday to stay away from the cable news reporters ringing the courthouse. Their presence was nostalgic. It harkens back to a more innocent era when cable news gave equal time to people who haven't abducted children.
The Philadelphia News ran an editorial Thursday predicting race riots with angry black people in the streets if Barack Obama is defeated. It may not be that bad. Since Barack Obama's half-black, the rioting will be limited to one side of the street.
Barack Obama was asked Friday if he wished Hillary Clinton was his running mate in the wake of the Sarah Palin mania. He should have passed up Hillary for another woman. Bill Clinton did that all the time and enjoyed eight years in the White House.
Joe Biden said Thursday Hillary Clinton would have been a better pick for vice president. He's right. Hillary would vote and break the Senate tie, while Joe Biden would bewail the loss of the tie factory to China, the impoverished plight of the tie seamstress, and the destruction of silkworm habitat during the Bush administration.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton