Jewish World Review Sept. 2, 2008 / 2 Elul 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton gave the Democrats' weekly radio address Saturday. She didn't seem upset that the Republicans have a woman on the ticket and the Democrats excluded her. Every ten years she gets humiliated in front of God and everybody and she's adjusted to it.
Tiger Woods stars in a new PlayStation golf game released Friday. He was very annoyed because it shows him walking across water to find his golf ball and holing out his shot from the water. He is sick and tired of being confused with Barack Obama.
Senator John McCain shook up the presidential race Friday by choosing Alaska's Governor Sarah Palin to run with him on the Republican Party ticket. If nothing else, the senator stayed true to form. He dumped Mitt Romney for a trophy running mate.
John Edwards raised his speaking fee to sixty-five thousand dollars on Friday. It's a seller's market. Any guy who can get his wife to help him cover up an affair and then get a married friend to claim the paternity of the love child is worth every penny.
Barack Obama went on a bus tour of Pennsylvania, Ohio and Indiana Monday to court voters who looked clearly invigorated. A day after his Denver acceptance speech, the nation awakened with a brand new sense of purpose. College football season started.
Barack Obama attempted a workman-like speech in Denver to play down his Messiah image. It was against type. Bookies posted even odds Barack Obama would ride into the stadium on an ass, but at the last second Jesse Jackson came down with back spasms.
Hillary Clinton was rumored in Denver Thursday to have been promised a Supreme Court seat for supporting Barack Obama. It's grim news. If true, the highest court in the land is sure to ratify the generally accepted belief that oral sex is adultery.
Barack Obama wowed the crowd at Denver's Mile High Stadium with his acceptance speech Thursday. Everybody was treated to a tremendous fireworks show in the sky afterwards. Bill and Hillary were in a plane overhead arguing over whose fault it was.
Barack Obama spoke to eighty thousand fans at Mile High Stadium on Thursday on a stage that looked like an ancient Roman temple. How very shrewd. If Barack Obama wants to carry the Catholic vote in Pennsylvania, he must convince them he's the pope.
Barack Obama's stage set at Mile High Stadium Thursday was designed by Britney Spears's stage set designer from Hollywood. That makes sense. She's been fighting off charges for years that she's not a celebrity, she's just a presidential candidate.
Planned Parenthood set up a booth in the Democratic convention lobby Wednesday night to give out free condoms. Trojan condoms also had a huge booth in the lobby. Who says Democrats don't know how to protect Americans from biological weapons?
Stevie Wonder entertained before Barack Obama's speech in Denver Thursday by playing a song on the harmonica. The Republican convention should counter by asking Colin Powell to recreate his U.N. Security Council presentation proving that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. We'll just see which party's got the blindest black guys.
Russia's Vladimir Putin said Thursday he suspects certain people in the United States provoked the crisis in Georgia to help a certain presidential candidate. He is absolutely right. A nuclear war would really put the wind at Ralph Nader's back.
O.J. Simpson ripped reporters Thursday for revealing he was knocked to the ground by his daughter. He said it must be a slow news day. The first sign that you may be smoking too much pot is when the first black man in history gets nominated for president, a hurricane is reported heading for New Orleans, U.S. warships are headed for a Black Sea port seized by the Russians, and you think it's a slow news day.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton