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Jewish World Review Sept. 23, 2004 / 8 Tishrei, 5765

Lenore Skenazy

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Consumer Reports

Could Brit get tackier? | If circumstances have not changed since press time, this is Day 5 of Britney's marriage to ... um ... whatshisname. The guy who will spend his twilight years telling everyone, "I was once married to Britney Spears!" At which point, most of the men in the solarium will respond, "So was I!"

It's not that I don't trust this marriage to be, as Spears has promised, "forever." It's just that now that the nubile nut case has proven she can dye her hair, plight eternal troth and go clubbing all in one day (ah, to be young!), what's to stop her from trying to beat her own tacky wedding/quickie divorce/tacky wedding record? I mean, clearly she's hitting her stride. With a little practice she could go pro!

To do that, of course, she'll need to start training: More grooms, more weddings, faster and faster, tackier and tackier. But, as the world asked Roger Bannister when he vowed to run the four-minute mile, can this humanly be done?

I mean, Brit achieved impressive tackiness for a first timer when she married a childhood friend in a Vegas wedding chapel last year. Especially since that friend was named Jason Alexander, causing "Seinfeld" fans untold Googling inconveniences.

But that was amateur stuff compared to Brit's Sunday nuptials, a surprise wedding so dismal that the menu included soggy chicken fingers. When this drove disappointed guests to drink, they found they had to pay, because it was a cash bar. Brilliant touch!

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To top it off, Brit gifted her guests with velour sweat suits embroidered either "Pimp" or, in an inspired move, "Pimp Daddy."

That kind of tacky is truly hard to top, as Spears herself must know (mustn't she?). That is, unless the next time out she ...

  • Invites guests to a spa party. Surprises them in the bikini waxing room by saying, "Guess what? It's my wedding and we're live on 'Access Hollywood!'"

  • Invites guests to a charity ball and asks each to bring a present for a deserving child. After they deposit these gifts in a giant box, Brit seals it shut and says, "Yo, it's really my wedding. Thanks for the gifts!"

  • When guests arrive for the big day, each is issued a prison uniform embroidered with the words, "Armed Robbery," or "Armed Robbery Daddy."

  • Guests are served a selection of Lunchables (one per person, please). Vegetarians are handed a can of beans and pointed toward the microwave.

  • Husband wears a tuxedo with Dr. Denton's bottom.

  • Bride wears same gown as the last wedding(s), but with large cake schmear on chest.

  • Guests are cordially invited to purchase packets of rice to throw at the happy couple.

  • Flock of pigeons released as newlyweds take first walk through mall parking lot.

  • Guests required to sign gift registry before receiving box dinner, which comes with drink and plastic prize.

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    JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here.

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