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Jewish World Review Sept. 23, 2004 / 87 Tishrei, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The Emmy Awards had record-low ratings Sunday. Real people don't want to see awards given to pay-cable mob dramas and gay sitcoms. According to the ratings, what Americans like to watch are really good-looking actresses performing autopsies.

The World Series of Poker drew huge ratings Tuesday and introduced Americans to real gamblers. They are a sentimental lot. In a recent high stakes game one player fell over dead and in his memory the rest of the game was played standing up.

John Kerry appeared on the David Letterman show Monday where the candidate read the Top Ten List. It was an impressive performance. John Kerry wasn't very funny but he knew by heart the names of the ten richest women in the United States.

The Justice Department on Tuesday sued Big Tobacco for three hundred billion dollars. The attorneys will make billions. John Edwards's wife had to place a stick in his mouth to give him something to bite on so he wouldn't swallow his tongue.

Homeland Security seized airline data on passengers Monday to run background and credit checks on them. To what end? If passengers were barred from sitting in first class unless their taxes were paid up, airliners would take off like geese.

Iraqi interim Prime Minister Ayad Allawi addressed the U.N. Wednesday in New York. He's the second bravest man in town. The bravest man in New York is the mailroom clerk at CBS News who brought Dan Rather the letter containing the job offer from Siberia.

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