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Jewish World Review Sept. 13, 2004 / 27 Elul, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | Hurricane Ivan was predicted Friday to pummel Florida today with the state's third devastating hurricane in just the past three weeks. It's no coincidence. Nobody's life or property can be considered safe when the U.S. Congress is in session.

Michael Eisner announced Friday he will step down as head of the Walt Disney Company. Shareholder meetings had become town mobs. If Disney shareholders have anything to say about it, he will get the same severance package as Marie Antoinette.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill Friday outlawing anybody having sex with a corpse in California. The practice was fairly widespread. However with one stroke of the pen, he put every estate attorney in Beverly Hills out of business. .

Teresa Heinz Kerry said Thursday only an idiot would oppose her husband's health care plan. She added there are plenty of idiots out there. If Teresa Heinz Kerry was told she had six minutes to live, she wouldn't brood, she would just label people faster.

John Kerry ripped President Bush Friday for allowing the assault weapons ban to expire next week. He said in criminal hands these guns can be lethal. Just read his sworn confession to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee thirty-three years ago.

President Bush took a bus tour through Ohio Friday and he brought Senator Zell Miller to campaign with him. What a shrewd move. To his critics, President Bush is a trigger-happy cowboy, but when he stands next to Zell Miller he's Fred MacMurray.

The Miss America Pageant is televised from Atlantic City Saturday. This year promises to be very special. To catch all the shrieks and screams and spasms of delirious joy, a remote camera will be installed in Bill Clinton's hospital room.

John Kerry in Ohio Tuesday called Iraq the wrong war at the wrong time. It's exhausting. Every time President Bush thinks of a new reason why he went to war in Iraq, John Kerry has to think of two new reasons why he was for it and against it.

John Kerry's favorable ratings tumbled this week as he trailed President Bush by double digits. He's sinking fast. John Kerry's only hope is a debate format that's suited to his skills, but the Secret Service would never allow the president to duel.

The United Way released a shocking report to the media on Thursday revealing that over one-half of the entire workforce in Los Angeles is functionally illiterate. That's not true. A good seventy-five percent of our parents are married.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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