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Jewish World Review Sept. 1, 2004 / 15 Elul, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | The GOP Convention ends Thursday with a huge confetti drop featuring pictures of the Bushes and the Cheneys on every little piece of paper. That's how tight security is at the event. Even the confetti can't get on the floor without a picture ID.

New York was the site of angry street protests Sunday. Hundreds of thousands marched against the war in Iraq and President Bush. You knew this was the Michael Moore crowd at the end of the day when Riverside Drive was renamed Watch This Drive.

Bill Clinton addressed the famed Riverside Church in New York City Sunday as Hillary looked on. There were the usual misunderstandings. When he said they had just returned from Iceland, everyone assumed he was sleeping on the couch again.

Israel denied spying on the U.S. Sunday, citing its solid support for the White House. They just named a hotel in Jerusalem the George Bush Hotel, which could be bad for business. Nobody checks into a hotel for an evening of honor and dignity.

Tropical Storm Gaston hit South Carolina with high winds that blew buildings away and ripped down power lines. National reporters were astonished when they saw the state capitol the next day. Not even G-d can take down the Confederate flag.

CalTech confirmed that a meteor the size of a football field just missed slamming into the Earth last March. How sad. Los Angeles came within five thousand miles of getting a new NFL stadium without having to file an environmental impact report.

The Dallas Cowboys chose to start veteran quarterback Vinnie Testaverde over rookie Drew Henson. It's the safe move. Under the Dallas Cowboys' system, the quarterback is the second-most important position next to hands-against-the-wall-with-your-feet- spread.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton