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May 22nd, 2022

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Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published August 26, 2021

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
Billboard magazine published a tribute to beloved Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts who passed away peacefully at eighty Monday. The band is nothing if not resilient. Rumors abound that Charlie Watts will continue to perform with the Stones next year thanks to a sponsorship by Duracell.

Hurricane Henri moved out to sea after spending last week lashing the Eastern Seaboard with fury. Thunderstorms in the nation's capital sounded like an artillery duel. A lightning bolt struck the Washington Monument and Hunter Biden beat the fire department there searching for any crack.

NASA asked sixth-through-twelfth grade students and educators to submit ideas to NASA for experiments in suborbital flight. Space travel always had a special hold on my generation. Sometimes I look up in the night sky, behold the stars and the planets, and I think to myself, I love peeing outside.

Daily Variety reported that many TV viewers have switched to nostalgia TV networks to escape the news. It was so bad it slapped me into a silly mood on Thursday and so I tuned in to one of the sports channels and I caught a Paralympics show-jumping event. That horse with three legs is useless.

The White House hosted a somber presidential news conference on Thursday where President Biden addressed the terrorist attacks staged that morning by ISIS at the Kabul Airport. An angry president called ISIS the network of death. Obviously, he has never heard of Blue Cross of California.

President Biden's press conference Thursday showed him angry, resolved, empathetic, crying, focused and unfocused. You never know where his mind will wander. All week I held my breath watching his press conferences, just waiting for him to identify the capital of Afghanistan as Kaboom.

The White House cited hard bargaining by Joe Biden for progress in Taliban negotiations this past week. Two weeks ago, the Taliban wanted total control of the country and all the weapons, but Joe got them down to total control of the country and all the weapons. And we threw in an early exit.

President Biden addressed the nation Thursday and vowed that the U.S. military will hunt down terrorists behind the deadly Kabul Airport attacks. I think it's their diet. Nutritionists say eating two strips of bacon for breakfast every morning reduces your chances of being a suicide bomber by 100%.

President Biden took full responsibility for the debacle in Afghanistan Thursday while the U.S. evacuates in disarray. Today marks the fourteenth day of the president's exit strategy in action. On the bright side, it's been a terrific two weeks for the President Jimmy Carter Appreciation Society.

President Biden was hit by a CBS poll showing his job approval rating has plummeted twenty points in the past week. Voters are notoriously fickle. My uncle James was a staunch conservative banker who voted Republican every election until the day he died, and ever since he's voted Democrat.

Britain's Medical Journal Lancet issued a warning about the effect of hard liquor cocktails. It said that vodka on ice can result in kidney failure, rum on ice can cause liver damage, whisky on ice may cause heart problems and gin on ice could rot your brain. Apparently ice is really bad for you.

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The Rolling Stones beloved drummer Charlie Watts passed away peacefully on Tuesday at age eighty. No word on whether he'll continue to tour with the band. Rock music teaches us there is a Highway to Hell but only a Stairway to Heaven, which gives you an idea of the anticipated traffic.

The Hollywood Reporter said the four TV networks this fall will be going with full-bore action series to compete with streaming. For instance, CBS just announced it is introducing an action-packed reality show that's sure to be a hit. It's called I'm an Afghan Translator, Get Me Out of Here!

President Biden addressed the nation on the Afghan evacuation Wednesday in a jam-packed White House press room. The sign above the door reads Limited Capacity. I wish they wouldn't advertise the president's infirmity like that, it ruins the surprise and he always opens with it anyway.

President Biden repeated Wednesday that the War in Afghanistan involved four different U.S. presidents and four administrations. Our head was never in this ballgame. Seven years ago in a swap, we traded five Taliban leaders for one Bowe Bergdahl, and he wasn't even in mint condition.

The Taliban issued a statement Wednesday saying they don't want Afghan citizens to be flown out of Kabul Airport, betraying their greatest worry. The U.S. can still win this thing. We rescue every woman from Afghanistan then see just how far the Taliban can get without a way to reproduce.

The San Diego Union says twenty-four local San Diego high school students and their parents who were visiting relatives in Afghanistan are stranded there. I wouldn't be scared of dealing with the Taliban. But then I've had years of past experience scoring cocaine in South Central Los Angeles. The State Department reacted to the deteriorating situation in Afghanistan Wednesday, issuing an emergency bulletin urging every American still in Afghanistan to avoid the Kabul Airport and to obey orders from local authorities. That would be the Taliban. In other words, behead yourself.

The White House doubled down against detractors of Biden's handling of this week's debacle in Afghanistan. Critics of Biden's evacuation plan overlook the fact that in eight days he's rescued one trillion Americans from Afghanistan. That's according to Dominion Software Auditing Services.

The United Nations Human Rights Commission insisted on the right to oversee the evacuation efforts in Kabul Tuesday. Afghans have been caught crawling through a sewer to get inside the airport. Awfully considerate of them to make an effort to freshen up before boarding a crowded plane.

The White House was struck by a poll Tuesday indicating that President Biden's job approval fell twenty points due to his administration's policies. How bad it is? President Biden and Kamala Harris are coming out to California to campaign for Governor Newsom, at the request of Larry Elder.

The Democratic National Committee confirmed that President Biden will be flying Air Force One out to California in order to campaign for Governor Gavin Newsom, who's facing a recall election. Joe's speeches just might work. Being unintelligible worked for Governor Schwarzenegger.

Jeopardy's executive producer Mike Richards named himself the host of Jeopardy Friday, then had to step down. Woke social media monitors dug up jokes he told on an old podcast disparaging Jews and women. The Taliban heard about it and offered to name him Los Angeles District Manager.

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